In the aftermath of an affair it is tempting to close our hearts, vilifying the one who had the affair. And why not? After all, the one who had the affair is the one who stepped out of the sacred bounds of the marriage. The one having the affair is the one who chose to entangle their life with another, seemingly with little or no thought to how much damage they caused in the process.
Feeling intensely betrayed, enraged and resentful, the lines are drawn—victim and villain. In an atmosphere of anger, feelings are intensified. The victim then often attacks the “villain,” creating even greater distance than ever.
Often the one committing the act of infidelity feels justified in what they have done—they believe their actions were justified. Of course, nothing justifies having an affair. There are effective, responsible ways to work out problems. But, this is often easier said than done.
In an already troubled climate, both partners often engage in assaults on the other. The marriage before the affair is often reduced to insults, distance and other symptoms of brokenness. It is from these damaged circumstances that many affairs occur.
Given these feelings, and the polarization that naturally occurs, surviving and healing from an affair is a most delicate task. It takes a very skilled clinician to untangle the jangled web of feelings, helping the couple sort through all the issues.
Perhaps the most complicated issue that needs sifting through is the condition of the marriage prior to the affair.
As you might guess, most affairs occur within the context of marital issues. While this in no way justifies an affair, the skilled counselor helps the couple look deeper at the marriage problems that existed long before the affair took place. The marriage usually needs far more repair than problems caused by the affair alone.
A woman wrote to me recently bringing this truth to light. In fact, she reminded me of something I had nearly forgotten—the marriage was in trouble before the affair, and these problems must be addressed if the marriage is to be healed. Let’s consider her story:
Dear Dr. David. My husband had an affair several months ago. I discovered that he had an affair with one of our friends. I have died several deaths since that time, and we are now in counseling to heal from his unfaithfulness. One of the most difficult things to consider was the state of our marriage before his affair. I’ve had to admit, reluctantly, that our marriage was broken before his affair, not just after it. Together we have explored how troubled our marriage was, and the ways we both created an unhealthy relationship.
I want to help your readers understand that most often an affair doesn’t ruin a marriage—the marriage was in trouble before the affair. Now, they have to pick up the pieces.
Thankfully, my husband is very sorry for what he has done and his affair has caused us to look closely at our marriage. We are learning, in counseling, to communicate more effectively and treat each other with respect. We are learning to solve problems and yes, we’re even learning to trust again. This is the most difficult process I’ve ever been through, but want your readers to know it is possible to not only forgive, but to grow beyond the affair. It is very powerful to see that the affair is not the only problem needing attention, and that I contributed to the affair in an indirect way. We are healthier now than ever before. -- Healing Together
Dear Healing,
It took incredible courage for you to admit your role in your husband’s affair. You have shown great wisdom by committing to counseling, and your counselor has shown wisdom by helping you see that there are layers of issues needing to be addressed, not simply the surface act of unfaithfulness, as egregious as that is.
Recovering from an affair requires many steps. Here are a few:
One, be with your feelings. The one who has been victimized, as well as the one who had the affair, have feelings about what took place. Both must learn to be patient as they work through feelings of betrayal. Healing will take time, and you must settle in for a long period of counseling. The one victimized by the affair can expect to have a long season of roller coaster emotions, and the one who had the affair must be patient in the healing process.
Two, recognize that both played a role in the affair. This doesn’t mean the victim “caused” the affair, or must take responsibility for it. What it means is that both are responsible for creating an environment in which an affair could occur (short of being married to a sexual addict.) Both must rigorously explore the role they played in this marriage crisis.
Third, both must take an active role in healing from the affair. Both must examine the circumstances in the marriage prior to the affair. Both must explore ways their communication, and conflict resolution skills, and perhaps patterns of intimacy, played a role in the affair. Both must be diligent about taking responsibility for their part, and set out to heal problems. Both must be patient with the other as they work on their issues.
Fourth, understand that it will take time, and effort, to restore trust. Trust can be restored, but this will require effort and wisdom. Healthy boundaries must be restored to the marriage. The one who had the affair must show, repeatedly, that they are truly sorry for the damage they have caused. Healing often comes more quickly to the one having the affair than the victim of the affair. Understand, however, that both must be committed to long term healing of the marriage.
Finally, make every effort to understand what your mate is experiencing. If you had the affair, make continuous efforts to understand your mate’s feelings of betrayal. If you have been victimized, work at seeing the larger picture. Try to see the affair as a symptom of a larger, more complex problem.
While healing from an affair is incredibly challenging, it can be done. Couples can emerge from an affair stronger and healthier than before. Make this crisis a stepping-stone to better times. Please share with us what has helped you overcome this marriage crisis.