“Time out!” Kevin said sharply to his wife, Amy, as I sat and listened to them try to discuss whether she would work full or part time.
“What do you mean, ‘time out?’” Amy asked angrily.
“Remember,” he said, “we’re supposed to call a ‘time out’ if things get too hot between us. And, I’m feeling like things are getting too hot.”
“Not for me,” Amy retorted.
“Well, they are for me,” Kevin said. “So, I’d like to take a couple of minutes and collect myself. Let me cool down, and then maybe we can continue our discussion.”
Kevin looked at me, raising his hands in obvious frustration.
“I’m trying to do what you told me to do, Dr. David, and you can see what is happening.”
Amy jumped in. “I thought we had to agree on a time out,” she protested. “I don’t feel a need to call ‘time out.’ Why does he get to call ‘time out’ if I don’t need one?”
“Because, Amy,” I said. “Either one of you can call ‘time out’ at any time if you’re feeling threatened or defensive. The only rule is that you can’t call ‘time out’ manipulatively and must call ‘time in’ within twenty-four hours.”
I had been working with Kevin and Amy for several weeks, and learned about their history of conflict that had left their marriage in shambles.
Kevin and Amy shared their history of bickering about anything and everything. The tension in their marriage was incredibly high, and they had begun wondering if their marriage could be saved.
Kevin and Amy are similar to many couples who allow conflict to enter into their marriage and sabotage their feelings of positive regard for each other. When conflict persists for days and perhaps even months, couples begin to wonder if they still care about their mate. Conflict makes you wonder if your marriage is even worth saving.
Consider this email from a struggling wife.
Dear Dr. David. My husband and I have been married for five years, but the majority of those years have been filled with fighting. It’s not that we don’t love each other, because I know we do. But, when we’re fighting, we say things we don’t mean, and do things we regret. We both talk about divorce when that is not what either of us want. When we are getting along, we love each other very much. When we’re fighting, we want out. What can we do? --Struggling Wife
Dear Struggling,
Your marriage is on fire and your husband needs to agree on some principles and strategies that will bring healthy structure to your marriage. Consider these courses of actions.
First, never allow continuous fighting. No relationship, especially a marriage, can tolerate continuous conflict. While many believe fighting and conflict are a normal part of marriage, continuous fighting is not. Continuous fighting creates instability, uncertainty and a lack of safety. If you never know when the next fight is going to erupt, you will always feel unsafe and be on guard.
Two, establish some boundaries, like ‘time outs.’ Make an agreement with your mate that either of you can, and in fact must, call ‘time out’ when tension runs too high. A great signal is a feeling of defensiveness, which is a warning sign that you’re getting angry, cannot fully listen or empathize with your mate, and need a moment or three to calm down. When calmed down we are much better able to attend to our mate.
Three, time outs must be honored. Time outs are one form of sacred trusts and must be honored. Make an agreement with your mate that you either of you can call ‘time out’ before things escalate, and these time outs are to be honored. Violations of time outs are to be treated seriously---the violator must do something very special for the other for violating the time out.
Fourth, the one calling ‘time out’ must call ‘time in’ before twenty-four hours, ideally sooner. The one calling ‘time out’ must consider what led to calling the ‘time out’ and take initiative to come back to their mate to discuss the ‘hot’ issue. The one calling ‘time out’ must never avoid the issue, but must ‘lean in’ to their mate.
Finally, consider the ‘time out’ a signal to both of you to slow things down, take it easy, check your motives and try again, with a heavy dose of love. In other words, proceed with caution. If you cannot navigate the topic a second time without emotions flaring, consider seeking a third party—perhaps a counselor—to help you sort out the issues.
Every couple has ‘hot buttons,’ so don’t be surprised or alarmed when you and your mate hit one. The trick is to develop mastery over these. I like to tell couples, “the process is the problem, and the process is also the solution.” Please let me know how you and your mate handle ‘hot buttons’ so we can share it with others.