Marriage 911

Dealing with an Emotional Affair

Dr. David Hawkins — Mon, 13 May 2013 20:59:25 GMT

I watched the couple sitting in front of me, each talking carefully and with a bit of calculation. I couldn’t understand what was going on, but knew, having watched hundreds of couples interact, that there was something stilted and stiff about their interaction.

Jeff and Lori had come for a Marriage Intensive subsequent to him having ‘an emotional affair’ with a colleague.

Jeff was a handsome, 30-year-old man with a finely honed physique. “I enjoy working out,” he said.

“And the girls like to watch him work out,” Lori quipped. Jeff rolled his eyes at her sarcastic comment.

Lori was several years younger than Jeff, and was quite attractive herself. More light-hearted than Jeff, her sarcasm took me by surprise.

When I asked about the emotional affair, and the impact it had on them, both were quite non-descript and played it down.

“It wasn’t really anything,” Jeff said. “It’s over and done and I just want to move on.”

“How about you?” I asked Lori.

“Yeah, he tells me it was nothing and I think I believe him. We have a great relationship and we’re just here to make it stronger. When I ask him about it, he gets upset; so I don’t talk about it much.”

“I get upset,” Jeff jumped in. “I don’t get upset. I’ve answered all your questions haven’t I? I’ll answer any questions you have.”

Lori turned away, sighing deeply. Clearly this was still a raw spot that this couple had buried alive. Not only was it a raw spot because Jeff had engaged in an emotional affair, suggesting something was either wrong within him or between he and Lori, but their reaction to each other suggested more feelings were lurking below the surface.

I spent the next several minutes teaching Lori and Jeff about raw spots and the importance of attending to them in their marriage.

1. We all have raw spots.

Because we have all been wounded in various ways throughout our lives, and rarely are we completely healed from them, we can expect to have places of sensitivity. It is critical that we know where we are extra-sensitive, why we are especially sensitive and how we came to be that way.

2. We need extra care in our places of vulnerability—our raw spots.

Knowing where we have been wounded in the past will help us talk about and navigate around those places in the future. For Lori and Jeff, it required that they recognize Jeff had a raw spot in talking about the emotional affair and perhaps even in the circumstances leading up to the affair. Lori had a raw spot in regards to his affair. Both required extra sensitivity in some of these issues.

3. Raw spots make us over-react.

Because we are overly sensitive, our reactions to comments or situations that come close to our raw spot will make us over-react. In fact, an over-reaction is often a sign that we have a raw spot hiding below the surface.

4. We can help each other heal.

When we share our raw spot with our mate, opening it up to the light, we open ourselves up for healing. Of course, to do this requires each making an agreement to treat the other carefully and caringly. As we do this, showing understanding, grace and sympathy, we heal.

Scripture has much to say on the topic of showing compassion for others. “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:4)

5. Appreciate your raw spots and those of your mate.

Our vulnerabilities, shared appropriately, bring us closer to one another. As we sympathize and honor our mate for where and how they’ve been hurt, we create a powerful bond. As we look to the interests of our mate, sharing compassion, we unite our hearts.

Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at drdavid@marriagerecoverycenter.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website www.marriagerecoverycenter.com and yourrelationshipdoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.

Remember to Breathe and Think

Dr. David Hawkins — Mon, 06 May 2013 21:22:48 GMT

I listened intently as my co-therapist, Diane, advised the woman at The Marriage Recovery Center to “remember to breathe and think.” What did she mean by that, I wondered.

“We often get so caught up in our story,” Diane said, “that we forget to breathe and think. We escalate into our Protective Self, forgetting that we’re feeling defensive, which covers other more vulnerable feelings.”

These were wise words. She continued teaching.

“We get anxious and tense up,” she said. “We want to defend ourselves, we stop listening and are ready to protect ourselves. It’s no fun to feel vulnerable and threatened. We must keep breathing and thinking.”

I momentarily mulled over the last argument I had with my wife. Knowing all I know about managing my emotions, listening to the kernel of truth and being aware of the shift that subtly takes us from connected to disconnected, I had forgotten the power and importance of the short phrase—‘breathe and think.’

Oh, but it’s so easy to shift into feelings. Feeling threatened, we respond defensively. Feeling frightened, we often respond defensively. Feeling anxious, we often respond defensively. All of this takes place quite naturally in the ‘flight or fight’ syndrome, overriding a more healthy response of ‘flow.’ But, it takes breathing and thinking to get to that healthier place.

Breathe and think. This is very simple advice with profound repercussions. If we breathe, we keep oxygen going to vital parts of our body, including our brains. If we think, we keep ourselves processing events. We’re able to attend to what is happening while we simultaneously consider what is happening within us.

Lest I make this sound simple, it is not. When all systems are on alert, as in a time of tension and conflict, it is very tricky to stay tuned into what we are feeling and attend to our mate. This is very challenging, but necessary. Not only is it critical to stay focused on the interaction with our mate, but we must attend to what is happening with us. Our attention will be easier if we remember to slow things down, breathe and think.

Let’s remember these simple but profound tools to use, especially during times of tension and conflict.

1. Conflict is normal, with a tendency to ‘fight or flight’.

Our bodies are going to naturally feel threatened, and that threat can come from any number of places. It can come from old wounds getting tweaked, current attacks on our character, feelings of vulnerability and fear.

2. In moments of stress, we tend to freeze—failing to breathe or think.

Knowing this, we must rehearse ‘breathing and thinking,’ especially during less stressful times when it will be easier to practice. Watch your breathing. Listen to what is happening inside of you, even as you listen to your mate or others. Practice breathing and thinking.

3. Practice healthy thinking.

It is tempting, especially in times of stress, to shift into black or white thinking, victim stance or catastrophizing. We must challenge these faulty thinking errors with truth. Scripture teaches us to grow up in our thinking: “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.” (I Corinthians 13:11)

4. Replace faulty thinking with healthy, mature thinking.

This will take effort and won’t necessarily come naturally. Some old patterns of thinking will be particularly hard to eliminate. Place old faulty thinking patterns down on paper with the truth right next to it. Practice healthy thinking.

5. Celebrate growth.

We all need encouragement. Even when you slip and fall down, get back up again. Acknowledge the errors you’ve made, but move forward into healthy thinking. And, keep breathing.

Death by a Thousand Cuts Happens in Marriage

Dr. David Hawkins — Mon, 22 Apr 2013 21:09:23 GMT

There are many times when it is not the major traumas in life that kill a marriage, but rather what has been labeled as “creeping normalcy”—a way of interacting that has been normal, but is devastating to a relationship.

Consider the couple who attended a Marriage Intensive several weeks ago. By all outward measurements, Jim and Louise were a normal couple who had attained many of the accoutrements you would expect of a man in his 50s, successful in business, and his lovely wife, a successful artist.

Jim and Louse were polished. Dignified. Polite. Distant and detached. His emotional range was as limited as his financial expenditures—both of which he guarded closely. She was nearly as guarded with her emotions, but every once in a while, as they introduced us to their story, she was let out a powerful zinger.

“He loves his money far more than me,” she said nonchalantly. He barely winced.

“So she says,” was his only retaliation.

Jim and Louise sat at opposite ends of the couch, with icy air separating them. She barely looked at each other. Both seemed to have taken more time to prepare their outer garb than their inner life. Dressed to the nines, they clearly spent more time shopping than they did sharing. And yet, while perfectly pressed, they were bleeding from a thousand cuts.

Normally, I speak to a couple several times before they come for a Marriage Intensive. Jim and Louise had chosen to simply come to The Marriage Center to do their work. And yet, as we began their Marriage Intensive I couldn’t help but wonder why they were here.

Certainly their marriage was not working. There were no doubt that both were miserable and wanted change. But, they had spent 30 years perfecting ‘the distant dance.’ He had spent thousands of hours becoming the best attorney in his city. She had perfected her craft.

“What do you folks want out of this Marriage Intensive?” I asked.

Pure to form, each looked at the other to start the ball rolling.

“Go ahead,” Louise said. “You’re the one who has threatened to end the marriage.”

Boom. There was the first indication that someone was going to end this slow death march. Quite often it is the woman who brings the status quo to a halt, but apparently in this case Jim had begun clamoring for change.

“I’ve got 20 good years left,” Jim said, pushing his hands through his salt and pepper hair. “I don’t want to spend it like this.”

“Is that why you’re talking online to other women?” Louise shot out.

“Maybe so, Louise,” he said solemnly. “I’m tired of sleeping in the spare bedroom. I’m tired of distance. I’m tired of being used as a paycheck and nothing more. I’m tired.”

“And I’m tired of you spending your best hours at the office,” she fired back. “And now I learn about you talking online to other women. How do you think that makes me feel? It certainly doesn’t make me want to get close to you.”

“No doubt about that,” Jim said.

“Folks,” I said slowly. “It sounds like you have been living a very detached life for years. You’re both in a lot of pain and I’m glad you’re here. How about if we work at understanding the subtle ways, and perhaps not so subtle ways, you’ve injured each other? Why don’t we agree to fix things? Would you like that?”

Neither of them jumped at the offer. They had been withholding for so long that even now, sitting in Intensive Marriage Counseling, they were guarded and reserved. Even now, suffering from internal bleeding, they watched their words fairly carefully. Even now, after spending years alone in their respective bedrooms, they were not quick to offer the other a lifeline.

We had our work cut out for us. Fortunately, under their façade of perfection and collected emotions, both wanted a healthier marriage. It had taken a lot of courage to make this move, to come to a stranger and bare their souls. That was enough of a beginning. I shared with them what I had seen many times, and what would give them hope.

1. ‘Creeping normalcy’ is normal.

Many couples find themselves in a detached relationship, unsure of how they got there and equally confused about how to change things. It didn’t happen by one large step and they would not turn things around in one large step.

2. Change is possible.

Just as surely as a relationship slowly becoming troubled, a relationship can be slowly turned around. It requires being intentional about ending the insidious bruising of each other and replacing those behaviors with points of connection.

Scripture implores us to “Be kind to one another, forgiving each other” (Ephesians 4:32). We encouraged Jim and Louise to begin changing this negative ‘creeping normalcy’ with ‘a new normal.’ This would consist of kindness, tenderness and compassion. As they could see each other as wounded, frightened people, they could draw upon the empathy and compassion they shared as Christians.

3. Begin with small changes.

It is not necessary to make any massive changes. Rather, begin with small changes, beginning to earn the trust of your mate. Be intentional about the changes that are necessary to turn things around. Make small goals and follow through on them. Celebrate progress.

4. Set aside pride.

Pride is one of the biggest culprits in finding your way back to each other. Feeling wronged and indignant about that, grudges are easy to bear. Rather, see yourself and your mate as equally culpable for developing a troubled relationship. There is no ‘good guy’ and no ‘bad guy.’ Both are responsible for getting things to where they are now.

5. Make your marriage a matter of prayer.

You cannot make these changes under your own steam. You won’t be able to forgive by sheer willpower. Allow God to do the healing work only He can do.

Cheap Grace and Easy Forgiveness

Dr. David Hawkins — Tue, 16 Apr 2013 13:40:31 GMT

“Will you forgive me for hurting you,” James said sincerely, after listening to his wife tell him how his critical nature had repeatedly hurt her. He looked at her intensely, waiting for her response.

“Sure,” Kathy said, though her words were hollow and lacked genuine sincerity. She still seemed to be in pain from feeling dismissed and voiceless. She looked back at him, awaiting his response.

“Thank you,” James said. “I’m glad we got that settled.”

As I looked closely at the couple sitting on the couch at The Marriage Recovery Center, where they had just arrived to participate in a Marriage Intensive, I wondered if the air really had been cleared? Had she truly forgiven him, I wondered? Had he really apologized and would there be depth change? I was skeptical.

Working largely with Christian couples needing significant change in the ways they relate, it is common for one or the other to ask for forgiveness, and equally common for the other to grant forgiveness. Yet, I’ve noticed that this asking for and receiving forgiveness often precluded significant sharing and revealing the depth of the wounds suffered.

I continued working with James and Kathy, cognizant that this style of sharing with one another might offer immediate relief, but short circuit depth change—the kind of change couples came seeking. The power of depth sharing and exploring of wounds could lead to deep healing, but only if each gave the other permission to explore and share the depth of the wound.

As I continued the work, I reflected on the power of collusion—the process of secretly agreeing to something. This process, by the way, is rarely conscious and open, but something akin to “ignoring the elephant in the room.” In the case of quick and easy forgiveness, when there are major issues at stake, it involves avoiding tackling deeper and harder issues.

A short time later the roles were reversed, with James sharing something that had hurt him in their relationship. He did an admirable job of sharing the issue, revealing his hurt, and then followed it up by asking her to forgive him. She quickly did so and both seemed comfortable with their agreement. I decided to do some exploring.

“I’m wondering, James if you have shared the depth to which you feel hurt by Kathy? I’m not suggesting you bag on her, but rather want to ensure you have shared your true feelings and that she then be able to fully empathize with you.”

He sat silent for a moment.

“I suppose you’re right,” James said. “I really have been carrying a lot of hurt around for years for the emotional affair she had. She has apologized and all, but I have never shared with her that I still feel frightened. Am I supposed to dredge all that back up?”

“There is no ‘supposed to,’” I said. “I’m just suggesting that you might want to lengthen out your sharing process. You might want to ask each other questions such as, ‘Is there anything more you’d like to share about this matter?’”

Both looked at each other before Kathy jumped in.

“Now that you mention it, I think we avoid talking about serious stuff,” she said. “We’ve learned somewhere that we are supposed to ask for forgiveness and we sure are supposed to grant it if someone asks for it. We’re not supposed to talk about it again down the road even if we have feelings about it.”

“I think we might do better at making sure an issue is fully talked about,” James stated. “Then, even if we have feelings later on we should still be able to bring them up. So, maybe forgiveness is a process, not an event.”

James and Kathy were very effectively talking through something that causes couples lot of problems—the issue of cheap grace or hasty forgiveness. I offered them these guidelines to consider:

1. Forgiveness is often a process, not an event.

True, depth forgiveness requires true, depth sharing. Be prepared to fully explore an issue, sometimes over a course of time. Do be prepared to forgive, but examine your heart carefully to determine if you are ready and able to forgive.

2. Be prepared to ask for more before forgiving.

It may be that when you are honest with yourself you will ask for more from your mate before saying you have fully forgiven them. It may be that you will ask for greater understanding, empathy and compassion. Offering quick forgiveness, or ‘cheap grace,’ cheats you out of complete healing and emotional connection.

3. Do forgive.

Scripture is clear that forgiveness is something we must do for one another. Scripture tells us, “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, Oh God, you will not despise.” (Psalm 51:17) We are implored to forgive others, and in that same way God will forgive us. (Matthew 6:14)

4. Celebrate greater connection with each other.

As you share openly and honestly, you will feel a greater connection. True, depth healing is so much more rewarding than cheap grace. Try it. Though it may feel awkward at first, really listening to each other and sharing from your deepest self will be very rewarding.

Five Steps to a Stronger Marriage

Dr. David Hawkins — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 20:55:32 GMT

“I’m so afraid of going back home,” Lynn said cautiously. “We’ve learned so much in our Marriage Intensive, but is it going to last? We’ve had you watching us, instructing us. What’s going to happen when we leave?”

Truth be told, it probably was not going to last, if by lasting we mean that all the tools she and her husband, Dan, had learned and practiced would flow as smoothly when they were home as they did in front of us.

My associate and I had spent three full days watching Lynn and Dan, a couple married for 10 years. During our Intensive sessions, we had noticed the nuances that separated them. We had seen Dan’s feisty attitude when feeling threatened, his defensiveness that pushed Lynn away. We had seen Lynn retreat emotionally when she felt hurt, instead of holding firm to her boundaries. Each time we had gently brought them back into the work of therapy. What would they do when we weren’t there to guide the process?

When a couple has spent years interacting in a manner that created dysfunction, when they had faced the specter of divorce or separation, only to pull things back from the brink of disaster on numerous occasions, thoughts of future failure can be crippling.

“You two have formed a dance that is entrenched,” I said. “You can’t expect it to go away in a weekend.”

“I can’t stand the thought of going back where we came from,” Lynn reiterated. Her anxiety was palpable. “Can you reassure us that we won’t go there again?”

Lynn fidgeted on the sofa, tears welling up inside. Dan watched, undoubtedly struggling with how to comfort her. But, there was little he could do.

“It is perfectly natural to want reassurance, Lynn,” I said. “You’ve been traumatized by the fighting, the rejection, the abandonment you’ve experienced. You two have caused damage, and it will take even more work to ensure that you don’t hurt each other in the old ways again.”

We then shared with Dan and Lynn what every couple must recognize and rehearse. These are steps every couple must take to ensure that their relationship stays strong and vibrant.

1. Understand that entropy happens.

In other words, any new learning will deteriorate to some degree without consistent practice. When couples move back into the stresses and strains of daily life, they often forget some of what they learned. Expect some loss of ground gained. Don’t be disillusioned or discouraged about this.

2. Because of this, couples must be intentional about continuing to grow.

This involves setting aside time and space to review agreements made, practicing the new tools learned in the counseling process or learned from scripture, sermons or other readings. Growth requires deliberately choosing to stretch in healthy ways.

3. Remain accountable for growth.

Couples must hold each other accountable to keep agreements made. Without accountability, even greater entropy is likely to occur. Gently reminding each other of agreements made will ensure ongoing growth. Noticing old patterns settling in, and learn to reset, utilizing the new tools.

Scripture tells us, “Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speech truth, each one of you, with his neighbor, for we are members of one another.” (Ephesians 4:25)

4. Stay involved with a professional.

For as much as we are determined to continue growing, we often cannot do so on our own. We need mentors, guides, pastors and therapists to ensure we maintain our course. Don’t be shy about reaching out for help, asking others to hold us accountable for personal growth.

5. Celebrate positive growth.

Each of us needs to be championed. We need our positive efforts recognized. Catch your mate doing things right and praise them for it. They will be much more likely to repeat these positive steps of growth.

Coping with Grief

Dr. David Hawkins — Thu, 28 Mar 2013 20:40:44 GMT

I am not at the top of my game. This is a simple admission as I write my weekly blog on marriage and relationships.

Having delivered the eulogy for my best friend and dear colleague, Chuck Knopf, MA, who fought a courageous battle with cancer—and lost, I am a bit beleaguered myself.

In some ways, I feel guilty for feeling so distraught. There are many fighting much larger battles than mine, as I feel the weight of losing my mother two years ago, now my best friend, and having siblings struggle with The Big C.

I’ve had friends and family remind me that life is short. We can take nothing for granted. We must value and cherish each moment we have on this planet.

In one of Chuck’s videos, he spoke of the importance of being with every feeling that comes our way—not just the nice ones. He spoke of the importance of attending to the grief that surely comes with any attachment that has been harmed or broken. He spoke of embracing feelings of sadness, feelings of discouragement, feelings of loneliness. I feel them all.

We are all in that boat. We all have relationships that are jeopardized by strife, divorce, even death. It is tempting to look around and think “There must be people who are blissfully happy, never experiencing loss or death or divorce or abandonment or grief.”

But, it’s not true.

I take comfort in the scripture: “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). Jesus knew that we would face loss, grief and disappointment. He knew we would face discouragement and need peace. And so He tells us, “Take heart!” In Him, we can find peace.

For those of you who are discouraged, having fought certain battles and lost, I offer some simple counsel to cope with grief.

1. Feel every feeling.

What you are experiencing is valid. Your feelings indicate that you are alive and that something is amiss. There may be little you can do about it, or there may be much. But, it first begins with attending to what is happening inside you. Your feelings can give you volumes of information.

2. Our feelings, and every moment, is a gift from God.

While we would all prefer to experience joy and bliss, tribulations are part of life. We are going to have trouble—expect it. Yet, amidst this trouble we can experience the peace that comes from being in Him.

3. If you refuse to attend to your feelings, they will come out sideways.

Grief and loss unexpressed, or suppressed, will come out in the form of irritation, anger or perhaps even depression. As we embrace our feelings, understand them and find a healthy expression for them, we will find peace and relief.

4. Because we will have trouble, discover ways to celebrate life.

Even as I experience the losses in my life, I will seek ways to embrace the magnificence of life. I will discover ways to keep the losses I experience in perspective. The losses don’t have to define us. Even among the thorns there are roses!

5. Remember the present moment in Him.

It is only as we get stuck looking ahead or behind that we experience anxiety, or as we Edge God Out (EGO). We don’t have to fret if we remain in Him. Just as I watched my friend Chuck accept the fragility of his life, so too we can accept the fragility of our lives. I choose to do that today and invite you to do the same, knowing that the Lord walks with us through it all.

Leaning on Godly Counsel

Dr. David Hawkins — Mon, 18 Mar 2013 21:10:05 GMT

“We just keep repeating our mistakes,” Janell said. “Same stuff, different day.”

Janell and her husband, Robb had flown to Seattle in a “last ditch attempt to save our marriage.” Her discouragement during our opening intensive was palpable.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“We’ve gone to several marriage counselors, talked to our pastor, even went to a weekend marriage conference,” she sighed. “But, when we get home we slip right back into our old ways. It’s really discouraging. Each time it gets harder to talk Robb into working on things.”

I looked at Robb, who nodded in agreement.

“She’s got a point,” Robb said. “We’ve been marriage 17 years, and if we can’t figure it out by now, with all the counseling we’ve had, I doubt you’re going to tell us anything new.”

“Maybe yes, maybe no,” I said, affirming their discouragement. “I have to hand it to you for trying so hard, folks. You should give yourselves credit for reaching out for help. A lot of people won’t go to the trouble you’ve gone to to try to save their marriage.”

“A lot of good it’s done us,” Robb groused.

“Actually, all of your work might have done more good than you think,” I said. “We are going to figure out what you might be missing, trying to add the missing pieces to your picture. Would that interest you?”

“Of course,” Janell said, while Robb nodded.

We spent the next hour talking about all the services they had participated in, noting what had helped and what hadn’t. They had gained more skills than they acknowledged and felt slightly encouraged when I affirmed the hard work they had done.

Yet, in spite of their hard work, they had slipped back into old patterns quickly, creating unhealthy patterns of conflict, poor communication skills and many subtle, but powerful, patterns of disconnection. There was one significant omission, however, that really jumped out at me.

They had failed to create a healing container for their marriage.

I proceeded to explain to Robb and Janell something I’ve explained to countless other couples.

1. Every couple needs a healing container—your professional support team who will encourage and correct you.

This is a relationship with a professional, usually a pastor/professional counselor, who will help to hold them accountable for maintaining the changes they have agreed upon. At The Marriage Recovery Center, we help couples arrive at many new agreements that will bring health to their marriage. We then partner with them to maintain these changes.

2. Your healing container is a place where couples practice the agreed changes, making corrections where necessary.

There are no perfect marriages. Subsequently, couples must be prepared to practice ongoing patterns of growth. And, as we’ve all learned, ‘perfect practice makes perfect,’ not just practice. So, you will always need some kind of supervision and instruction.

Scripture tells us to seek wisdom “For receiving instruction in prudent behavior, doing what is right and just and fair.” (Proverbs 1:3)

3. Your healing container, and the healer, will help avert future problems.

Since none of us are perfect, we must expect problems. We are all ‘in process,’ needing ongoing instruction, encouragement and supervision. If your problems have been significant, you should expect even more need for supervision and encouragement. This is called growth. Only the fool believes they will never need any future correction.

4. Your healing container will help you practice the tools needed for a healthy marriage.

This person will join you and your mate in mastering the skills needed for healthy relating. Together you will discover your weak spots, raw spots and danger spots. You will discover your strengths, particularly important tools and become clear about your path of growth.

5. Your healing container will hold you accountable for change/growth.

There is no coasting in the world of growth. There is no time when you ‘arrive.’ You may cut back on your need for instruction/supervision, but may always need to ‘check in’ to ensure ongoing growth.

Far from being discouraging, admitting a need for a ‘healing container’ acknowledges that healthy relating is a challenge, even for the healthiest couple. Everyone needs someone to ‘check out perceptions,’ bounce ideas off of, receive feedback from and yes, receive confrontation and instruction.

Confused About Your Relationship's Future?

Dr. David Hawkins — Mon, 18 Feb 2013 16:03:26 GMT

In a recent article I wrote about Sandy, a 50-year old woman who was swimming in a sea of confusion. We received a tremendous response to this article because, as no surprise, many of us are overwhelmed with life and find ourselves wondering which way is up. We struggle with making decisions that will bring healing and wholeness to our lives.

I shared how Sandy, a professional woman, in the midst of “a relationship that isn’t working,” was not sure what to do. She had caught her boyfriend of a year cheating on her. She did what most of us do—poll each of her friends. (I can see you cringing, because you know how well that often works!)

“I’m just so confused,” Sandy continued. “One friend says I should dump my boyfriend, and another says I should hang in there to see if he changes. Another tells me to pray about it and the answer will come. There’s something wrong with the Heavenly Mail Express because the answer’s not coming!”

“I know this is very hard for you, Sandy,” I said empathically. “You see the positive things Kerry is doing and that gives you hope. Then he doesn’t something extremely hurtful, and you lose trust again.”

“Why does he do that?” she shouted with exasperation. “Why can’t he just do the right thing? It’s not that complicated. If he loves me, he’ll do the right thing.”

“It actually may be more complicated than you think, Sandy,” I said. “I think it is entirely possible that he loves you, and yet he has character issues that play out in him acting the way he does.”

“I do the right thing—he can too!”

“That would be nice, wouldn’t it,” I said. “But again, Sandy. Some of your confusion comes from the way you’re looking at things. Your expectations, in part, lead you to feeling confused. Please don’t hear me saying that you should tolerate bad behavior. You’re hurt, for example, because he has cheated on you. That’s wrong and there should be consequences for it.”

“Like what?” Sandy said with notable exasperation. “I’m not his mother and shouldn’t have to parent him. I can’t monitor his every move now.”

“Having clear agreements with clear consequences is not parental, Sandy. It is the way our world works. Can you see that much of your confusion is generated from within you? If you keep complaining about his behavior, but have no real consequences for it, you’re sending a very mixed message.”

“That sounds like you’re blaming me for his bad behavior,” she said.

“Not at all,” I explained. “There are some things I want you to do that I think will alleviate a lot of your inner chaos. Would you like to hear them?”

“Of course,” she said. I offered the following counsel:

1. Seek counsel carefully.

There can actually be wisdom with many counselors, but it must be wise counsel. Too often we seek counsel from whoever will listen to us. We don’t stop to really consider who we are seeking counsel from. Scripture says, “Plans are established by counsel; by wise guidance wage war.” (Proverbs 20:18)

2. Slow down and consider your feelings, the situation and the best course of action.

Solomon said it well: “In good times, be happy; in bad times, consider.” (Ecclesiastes 7:14)

3. Step back from a situation, reflect and pray.

Simply getting away from the cacophony of voices, and most certainly from the one you are entangled with, can clear up much confusion. This can be frightening, as we fear feeling or being abandoned. But, perspective cannot be gained up close—and certainly not in the midst of strife and emotional turmoil.

4. Weigh out your choices.

Consider how you are handling a situation. Are you setting good boundaries? Are you holding your loved one accountable for their actions? Are you teaching them that they must treat you with respect? Emotional boundaries are protective barriers that create inner safety.

5. if you remain in the relationship, set out clear expectations build in a plan of accountability and be prepared to make difficult decisions.

Don’t keep doing what you’ve always done, and getting what you’ve always gotten. Don’t keep yourself in a traumatic situation, bound to keep your feelings in a constant state of turmoil. If your mate will not change, be prepared to separate for a season while they consider their actions and behavior.

Do you have confusion in your life? Would you like clarity, leading to conviction stemming from courageous choices? Consider taking the steps necessary to truly change your situation.

What to Do with a Cheating Boyfriend

Dr. David Hawkins — Tue, 05 Feb 2013 21:25:58 GMT

“My mind is swimming with confusion,” Sandy said, her voice filled with anxiety. “I just don’t know what to do next. I’ve talked to one friend who says to do one thing, my sister who says something else, and then the books I read seem to be saying something different.”

Even her words belied her anxiety, as she jumped from one topic to another. In a troubled relationship, Sandy, a 50-year old woman who called in a panic, wanted to know what she should do about her philandering boyfriend.

“Slow down, Sandy,” I said. “Let’s talk this all out and determine your best course of action.”

“I am unhappy in my relationship and don’t know what to do. I confront him with something and he turns it back on me. Then we have even more problems. Nothing gets resolved.”

Sandy had been dating this man for a year and felt that she loved him. Yet, they had sources of conflict regarding financial matters, issues between their children from failed marriages, and even spiritual differences. Yet, she enjoyed his company and wanted to work things out. The more they talked things over the more muddled they became.

It is common for us to become confused with circumstances in our lives when you mix turmoil and with troubling emotion. You are trying to resolve a relationship issue, but the problems seem to swirl in your brain like molasses. You need clarity which can lead to conviction which can lead to making healthy choices—and this brings calm and healthy connection.

Let’s take these issues one at a time.

First, we need to acknowledge that we feel Confusion.

This is a common malady, often the result of having a torrent of thoughts that collide and create even more unrest. Confusion seems to lead to more confusion. Wild thoughts lead to more wild thoughts. We need to slow down and sort the issues through.

Second, we must seek Clarity.

This is the result of having thought an issue through to a conclusion. You’ve weighed the differing opinions and considerations and finally reach clear thinking. Perhaps you talk to a trusted friend, a wise counselor or possibly your pastor. You bring the issues to a focus, one issue at a time.

Third, your clarity brings Conviction.

With a sense of conviction, you know what you need to do. This may not make your decision easy, nor your path of healing simple. But, with a sense of conviction you know what needs to be done. Now, with courage, you can move forward.

Fourth, with a spirit of Courage, you are able to make healthy Choices.

This brings positive change. We are able to truly embrace the Scripture, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind.” (II Timothy 1:7) We are able to have courage, and a sound mind and an ability to make wise decisions that lead to the change we need to have a healthy relationship.

Finally, these steps lead to Calm, and often to healthy Connection.

When we tackle problems directly, we eliminate them leaving room for healthy relating. We set boundaries on the problems that bring chaos. We don’t allow crazymaking or abuse to be part of our relationship. We speak clearly and calmly into our mate’s life and this, in turn, often brings a respectful response.

Do you have confusion in your life? Would you like clarity, leading to conviction stemming from courageous choices? If so, consider taking the steps necessary to truly change your situation.

Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at therelationshipdoctor@gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website www.marriagerecoverycenter.com and yourrelationshipdoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.

Overcoming Depression

Dr. David Hawkins — Mon, 28 Jan 2013 20:39:48 GMT

“Have you ever noticed how much work it takes to remain depressed?” I asked the young woman sitting across from me.

She looked at me quizzically, waiting for me to continue. Samantha had struggled with depression for years, and I doubt she had ever heard a psychologist say something so ludicrous.

“No, it’s true,” I continued. “My goodness. Think about it. If I want to be depressed—which I don’t—I have to take all of the following steps.” I paused to let my words sink in.

Samantha was still looking at me as if I had three eyes. She decided to jump in before I gave my list of steps necessary to create depression.

“I don’t seem to have to do much to be depressed,” she said sullenly. “It just happens. And it seems to happen naturally.”

“Oh, I have no doubt that you’ve perfected the steps necessary to become depressed,” I said. “But it didn’t come naturally early in your life. Little children aren’t naturally depressed. Go to the park and see if you notice any depressed four year olds. You’re not going to find any there, I can assure you of that. Nope, we have to learn all the steps to become depressed.”

“I still think it comes naturally to me,” she said, her face drawn, with furrowed brows and significantly overweight.

“So, I’ve thought about this and would like to run my ideas by you,” I said, hoping to pique her interest. She had been depressed for the past couple years and was struggling to let go of her deep, dark mood.

“What I’ve noticed is this,” I said. “People who are chronically depressed tend to dress in drab colors, live in drab surroundings, think pessimistically about the future, isolate themselves, work at uninteresting jobs, take boring vacations, limit their fun and let others control their lives. They believe their lives are controlled by external factors rather than believing they have a huge impact on the quality of their lives. They are passive rather than active. Am I right about these observations?”

Samantha thought for a moment and then responded.

“From the list you just gave, I’d have to say that I fit every one of them. I know I let others control my life. I believe I can’t change the things that are bothering me, hate my job, dress in drab colors and, well you can see that I’m 50 pounds overweight. Are you saying that if I change those things I can get over my depression?”

“With the exception of any biochemical aspect of your depression, how you think and live have a huge impact on your mood. So, yes, if you’re willing to look critically at those aspects of your life, you can impact your mood for the better.”

I had one more curve ball to throw at Samantha before we looked at the list.

“Before you decide to tackle these things, I want you to think about one more thing,” I said.

“Sure,” she said. “What is it?”

“I want you to ask yourself if there are any reasons why you wouldn’t want to change those things. Depressed people often say they want to be happy, but then won’t do the things necessary to be happy people. So, ask yourself if you’re really serious about being happy.”

With that we reviewed some of the steps necessary to move from depression to happiness.

1. Take responsibility.

Just as we would with any debilitating condition, we must take action against our depression. We cannot wait to feel better. Rather, we must critically examine our lives and determine what are the primary causes for the depression.

2. Admit the truth.

We cannot afford to live in denial. If our job is sapping our energy, we must change it. If we need to earn more money, we must get the education and experience necessary to get it. If our marriage or primary relationship is less than satisfying, we must seek help.

3. Examine patterns of thinking and behaving that reinforce our depression.

Depression is rarely something that happens to us, but rather is a combination of factors that leads to depression. We must understand those patterns and acknowledge that change will be frightening.

4. Change old patterns of behavior and thinking.

This will require reading good material on depression, noticing how happy people live differently than we do, memorize scripture and seek God’s wisdom. Ultimately, we must risk change.

5. Prepare for growth.

Scripture tells us that as we sow to the Spirit, we will reap to the Spirit. In other words, as we invest in spiritual growth we will grow. As we grow, joy and well-being are a byproduct. So, if you are ready to shed the skin of depression, and are ready for change, you are ready to think and act differently, leading to a happier life.