Marriage 911

Winning Your Wife Back

Dr. David Hawkins — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 22:18:02 GMT

The call came in like so many others.

“I’m so tired of holding our marriage together,” Karla said. She made her intentions clear. Her voice was tired and thin.

“I don’t hold out much hope,” Karla continued. “I’m mostly calling because Brad wanted me to. He found your program and wants to come out to save our marriage. But, I don’t think I’m really interested.”

“Tell me more about what’s going on,” I pressed.

“Twenty years of feeling like I’m just an appendage to him,” she complained. “He’s controlling, angry, even conniving,” Karla said. “I can’t honestly tell you that I like him anymore.”

“How many years have you been married?” I asked.

“Twenty!” she said. “He says they’ve been mostly good, but he doesn’t get it that I’ve been coasting for the last 10, and I can’t coast anymore.”

I couldn’t help but reflect on the hundreds of calls I receive like Karla’s from women who hang in there, hold the family and marriage together, only to run out of steam. They fight and struggle, read the books, drag their men to the marriage conferences, only to eventually drop from carrying so much in their packs.

“Will he talk to me?” I asked.

“Oh, he’ll talk to you,” she said. “Now that I’ve told him I’m leaving. He’ll even come for one of your Personal Intensives. He is ready to look at what makes him tick. But, I’ve got to be really honest with you. It might be too late.”

“Understood,” I said. “Let’s get him to The Marriage Recovery Center and take an emotional X-ray. We’ll find out why and where he’s been burying his pain. We’ll examine why he cannot make a healthy connection to you.”

“Sounds like a start,” Karla said, still sounding fatigued.

“Would you be willing to join him?” I asked, anticipating her answer.

“Not now,” she said. “If he comes, and that has yet to be seen, and he shows me that I’m more important than his work, sports and alcohol, then we’ll see. I want him to be healthy.”

“Can’t ask for more than that, Karla,” I said.

“We’ll see if he calls,” she said. “If he does, and if he comes and works with you, then we’ll see.”

We talked for another half an hour. Her story was painfully familiar. Over their 20 years of marriage there had been good times and bad. Incidents of infidelity had marred their marriage, episodes of alcohol by both had added turmoil and yet they had held their marriage together by sheer tenacity. The prospect of their youngest daughter leaving home, and Brad getting a DUI, pushed Karla over the edge.

Brad did call. He was edgy, irritated at his life circumstances, and not entirely happy about coming for a Personal Intensive. In a phone call with me, he complained about the travel, the price and of course, that the problem wasn’t all him. I reassured him that indeed the problem was not all him, but that he had to “clean up his side of the street” to get a better sense about what was happening in their marriage.

Several weeks later, together with my colleague Chuck, we met Brad and began our work. Here, in short, is how we spent the next two and a half days.

First, we set the stage for our work.

Brad was used to being ‘large and in charge.’ This would no longer work for him and he had to give up some of the control of his life to Chuck and myself. He had to assume that what he was doing would no longer work for him. He had to develop an attitude of being honest, open and willing.

Second, he had to trust that there was a better way.

For as much as he had become a self-made man, this attitude had worked in business but not in marriage. He had to believe that there were answers outside of him. Attitudes of grandiosity don’t work in relationships, which require give and take, reciprocity and mutuality.

Third, he had to understand how his personality had developed.

Many men have had profound rejection and ‘father hunger’, leaving them painfully alone and fending for themselves. They don’t ask for help and rarely reach out to truly accept it. Isolated and lonely, they develop a critical and controlling attitude. They are unable to share their pain and speak from a voice of power and control.

Fourth, he had to develop his softer, more vulnerable side.

Karla knew there was “a good man in there somewhere”, and we had to find him and give him a voice. What was the pain that Brad buried beneath his quest for power and prestige? We needed to create a Healing Container where he felt safe to share his fears of failure. We needed to help him voice his desire for connection and appreciation he wanted from Karla.

Finally, he needed to grieve his losses and set out for a new quest.

This new quest needed to be to win back the heart of his wife. Having proved himself in business and work, it was time to renew an old quest: the heart of his wife. Though she was leaving him, there was a glimmer of hope that if he could find his soft voice, speak from a place of vulnerability, she would want contact with him again. Hidden beneath years of sadness was a woman who truly believed in her man.

Brad came for his Personal Intensive. For three days we drilled into him, searching for his pain. We called him out when he shifted into his macho, “I don’t need you” attitude. We cried together, laughed together and set out on a new mission together—to win the heart of his wife, even in the face of her leaving him. Tired, frightened but connected to Chuck and myself, we shared the Scripture:

“Those that wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles. They will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary.” (Isaiah 40:31)

Karla left Brad. He is focused, clear and hopeful about winning her heart back. He understands that he is doing all he can do—staying away from his provocative, angry self and working a program that includes abstinence from alcohol, attending Celebrate Recovery and chaining together one positive interaction with Karla after another.

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Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at therelationshipdoctor@gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website www.marriagerecoverycenter.com and yourrelationshipdoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.

Invigorating a Dull Marriage

Dr. David Hawkins — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 21:41:29 GMT

I received a call yesterday from a 29 year-old woman who was in obvious distress. Married for seven years, she was inquiring about marriage counseling.

“What is the problem?” I asked.

“It’s hard to say exactly,” she said. “It’s just not what I want in a marriage.”

Paula seemed unusually vague with her concerns.

“How would you rate your marriage?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” she said slowly. “It seems like things have been mediocre for so long, I don’t know if I am expecting too much.”

“Let me ask you a few simple questions,” I said.

“OK,” she replied.

“Can you say you are happy in your marriage?”

“Oh no,” she said quickly. “I don’t know that I’m unhappy, but I sure wouldn’t say I’m happy.”

“Are you excited to be with your husband?” I continued.

“Well, I’m want to be with him, but I’m not sure he wants to be with me. So, we don’t spend that much time together. When he comes home, he’s often tired from work and heads for his computer. He does his thing and I’ve learned to do mine.”

“And so do you enjoy your time with him?” I persisted.

“Not the way it is right now,” she said. “He doesn’t seem excited to be with me, so I’m not very excited to be with him. I spend more of my time with our kids than I do with him.”

“Last question,” I said, “and then we’ll do some brainstorming.”

“What do you want to be different?”

“Lots,” she said quickly. “I want to enjoy each other’s company. I want us to do the things we did when we were dating. I want to take trips with him, have friends over and go on vacations. But he tells me that I’m expecting a ‘television romance’, and that’s not going to happen.”

“I told you that was the last question,” I said. “But, I do have one more.”

“What?” she said.

“Do you believe that about the ‘television romance’?”

“No,” she said. “I’m calling because I’d like to see if you can help us. I want more from my marriage, but I do wonder if I want too much. I feel like I have this low-grade headache all the time. Our dull marriage really makes me sick sometimes.”

Paula and I continued to talk for a few more minutes before determining she and her husband definitely needed help if they were not going to slip into more serious trouble. I encouraged her to set an appointment where we could explore their marriage, hopefully with her husband, though she indicated he had no interest in marriage counseling.

Paula represents a growing number of women and men calling because they are drifting apart. Television, computers, cell phones, children, work and any number of distractions come between them. Busyness, preoccupations and addictions all play havoc in the connection we’re all desperate for in our marriage.

Paula was doing the right thing by making the phone call. Her next step is to come in for a counseling session where we could lay out the problems, become clear about what she expected and develop a game plan for getting what she needed. If she didn’t take action her marriage would continue to disintegrate, leading to more serious problems. She was, thankfully, catching things before more serious problems developed. She already had her work cut out for her.

Here are some thoughts I gave to her briefly over the phone:

1. Rarely are we asking too much from our marriage.

If anything, I believe we don’t ask enough of our mate and our marriage. Our marriage should be a rich relationship where we give precious nurturance and joy to each other. The relationship should be alive and vital, dynamic and robust.

2. We are called to mutually give to one another.

The Apostle Paul says we are to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). He further elaborates his message in the “love” chapter of the Bible, I Corinthians 13, where he says we are to sacrificially give to our mate. We are called to not focus on wrongs done by our mate, but to delight in each other.

3. Love requires giving.

We are to be undistracted when it comes to our marriage. Other than serving God, we have no higher calling than to serve our mate. Our mission field must begin with making sure our marriage is the relationship God intended. Our best energies must be given to him/her.

4. We are to delight in each other.

The Apostle Paul again says, “Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other” (Romans 10:10). Notice the action steps involved in this verse: loving each other with genuine affection and delighting in honoring each other. There is nothing “low-grade” about the Apostle Paul’s picture of marriage.

5. We must be held accountable for these changes.

Since these action steps won’t come naturally, we must be held accountable for making these changes. This can involve an accountability group at church, a friend, counselor or pastor. We must agree to upgrade our marriage and create a vital, dynamic and loving relationship. Anything less will inevitably bring on a “low-grade headache” and possibly worse.

Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at therelationshipdoctor@gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website marriagerecoverycenter.com and yourrelationshipdoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.

Extend Grace to Your Spouse

Dr. David Hawkins — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 21:06:32 GMT

“It seems like I’m always irritated at her,” Greg said to me, referring to his wife of seven years. “I don’t know if it’s me being grumpy or what, but so many things she does just bug me.”

Greg and Lori had been coming to see me for marriage counseling for the past two months, and he had asked for an individual session.

“Like what?” I asked.

“I’m almost embarrassed to say,” he said. “None of them by themselves are anything important. But, stacked up they make a huge pile of irritation.”

“OK,” I said. “Let’s talk about them. Then maybe we can decide if the issues have to do with her, or like you suggest, have something to do with your short temper.”

Greg went through a litany of issues that are common to most couples:

Her failing to keep the house as clean as he likes it.
Her losing her car keys.
Her over-running their checking account, causing late fees.
Her allowing their young children more freedoms than he sees as appropriate.
Her forgetting to pick up his prescriptions and other errands she said she would do.

As we went over the list, it was easy to see how any of these things could be annoying. Yet, each, in and of themselves, were also part of being human. When we marry, we agree to accept each other with all their foibles—and we all have them. Whether it is forgetting to put the toothpaste back in the cabinet, failing to lock the doors at night, running out of gas or any other number of idiosyncrasies, they come with marriage.

“What about your idiosyncrasies?” I asked Greg. He looked surprised by my question.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“Well,” I said. “She clearly has her unique habits that get on your nerves. What are yours?”

He stopped to think.

“I guess I’m always so focused on hers that I don’t think of my own.”

“Exactly,” I said. “Studies show that we tend to exaggerate the foibles of others while cutting ourselves a lot of slack on our own. We’re able to see the speck in our brother’s eyes far easier than we see the log in our own. So, what are yours?”

“I guess I can be critical,” he said slowly.

“You think?” I said playfully.

Smiling, he added, “And I know I can be pretty distracted. Peg will ask me to do something for the kids and I’m zoned out. That bugs her. And I know I lose my temper, which can be a problem for her.”

Greg’s mood seemed to change as he considered what he was like to live with. He was able to see that he had traits that could grate on his wife’s nerves as much as hers grated on his.

As we explored both his concerns with his wife, as well as her concerns about him, we discussed the issue of keeping things in perspective. As a backdrop to our discussion, I reminded Greg of the biblical principle of: “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13). By doing so, we actually strengthen our marriage.

Reflecting upon this principle, we further discussed these ideas:

1. Remember that grievances are a two-way street.

It isn’t simply that our mate does things that bug us; but we too do things that bug our mate. While they may not comment on them, trust that they could! Then where would we be? If we voiced every little thing our mate does, or they voiced every little thing we do, we’d be spatting every day.

2. We are called to forgive grievances.

This isn’t just good psychology—though it is!—but is a biblical imperative. Holding onto grievances is toxic to your marriage or any other relationship. Someone has said that bitterness is the poison pill we take to hurt someone else.

3. Keep issues in perspective.

Is forgetting where she left her car keys really that big of a deal? Does leaving a towel on the bathroom floor really make or break a marriage? Pull back and decide what issues are big enough to make a deal over and which are not.

4. If these are big enough, handle them effectively.

Sit down with your mate and come to an agreement, together, about how to find resolution. Don’t bicker over any of these issues, but create a forum where you can air a problem and find a solution.

5. Ensure that these ‘problems’ are the real issue.

Make sure that you are upset about other matters of importance, perhaps at home or the workplace and these trivial matters become the smokescreen for other problems. Be honest with yourself, and then your mate, about what is bothering you.

We are all a ‘work in progress’. Marriage is that unique place where all of our dirty laundry gets hung out for our mate to see. Be careful to extend grace to them as you’d like grace to be extended to you.

Facing Hot-Button Issues

Dr. David Hawkins — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 16:06:57 GMT

Most couples have “hot issues” they would rather not talk about. These are the topics that bring instant tension. They may have been talked about in the past, unsuccessfully. Because the issues are “hot”, and are likely to create stress and tension, many couples avoid them—indefinitely.

Such was the case with Garth and Jena, who had a mountain of “hot issues” they had accumulated over their 20-year marriage. Each emotion-laden issue was a like a brick, forming an invisible barrier between them.

“We don’t talk about things,” Jena said, looking at me during their recent stay at The Marriage Recovery Center. “We both know there are issues that we don’t want to face.”

Garth shrugged.

“I don’t know why we need to rehash old issues,” he said. “I know what they are and Jena knows what they are. What’s the point of dragging them around with us?”

“That may be the point,” I said. “You both know there are issues that still have emotional after-effects and so you avoid them. But, they are impacting you still. You are still dragging them around.”

Jena nodded and jumped in.

“He doesn’t want to talk about his affair a few years ago, and to be honest, probably is tired of talking about some of my issues--my spending. But, I want to talk about these things. I want to resolve issues.”

“I just don’t see the point of it,” Garth insisted. “We talk about it, we get mad, we don’t talk for the next two days and so it goes. Talking about things means fighting about things!”

“So, what that says to me folks,” I continued, “is that you two haven’t created a safe place to talk about these issues. Problems don’t get resolved. Let’s take a look at what happens when you talk about hot issues and what needs to happen to create safety to talk about these issues and resolve them. Would that interest you?”

“Absolutely,” Jena said.

“I suppose,” Garth said, a bit more reluctantly.

Using my blackboard, we outlined some of the ways they interact currently that causes problems, common to many couples:

•    Criticizing each other for their point of view;
•    Shaming each other for their feelings;
•    Failing to fully listen to each other;
•    Talking over each other;
•    Using sarcasm to express anger;
•    Failing to manage their emotions.

Outlining what they were doing to each other made it clearer what needed to change. Here are some steps we agreed on:

Cultivate an open attitude with your mate.

Openness is a quality that is cultivated in marriage. Creating at atmosphere of openness suggests that you remain curious and receptive to what your mate has to say. You want to know what is bothering them and why.

Avoid defensiveness.

The opposite of openness is defensiveness. Defensiveness broadcasts, “I don’t want to hear what you have to say.” Openness says, “I want to know what you are thinking and feeling.”

Agree to listen and explore issues without criticism, shame or judgment.

No matter what your mate feels or thinks, refrain from criticism. Allow your mate to have their feelings without judgment or accusation. Create an atmosphere of safety, openness and encouragement.

Validate each other’s point of view.

In addition to hearing each other, explore what your mate needs to fully process the ‘hot topic’. Seek to understand what keeps a particular topic ‘alive’. Usually an issue remains ‘alive’ because something is missing. Perhaps there is a lack of listening. There could be a lack of validation, possibly no clear game plan to fix a problem.

Explore what your mate needs to feel a sense of completion.

Having created safety, being actively curious about what is still bothering your mate, find out what else they need to feel settled with the ‘hot topic’. Remember that there is incredible power in simply listening to your mate and seeking their counsel. Scripture says, “The way of the fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.” (Proverbs 12:15)

While every couple has ‘hot topics’ that are challenging to work through, using these tools will help you not only move through them, but grow through them.

Owning Up to Your Part in Your Marriage Problems

Dr. David Hawkins — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 21:24:24 GMT

Becky came to the Marriage Recovery Center in the throes of marriage stress. Her husband of 15 years was leaving her and she was anxious to make him stay. She had begged him to come with her for marriage counseling, but he insisted he was in no emotional place to work on their marriage. Cal wanted “time to think things over”. In spite of her efforts to have her husband, Cal join her, she agreed to come alone. She agreed to come to reflect, pray and learn more about how she approached her husband and what she could do to try to save her marriage.

It has been said that we cannot be fully aware or appreciative of others unless we are first aware and appreciative of ourselves. As Christians, this can be a tall order, since we have been taught to deny ourselves.

Is it true? Must we have some awareness of ourselves in order to fully appreciate others? I think so. Becky struggled not only to understand her feelings, but giving herself permission to even spend time reflecting on them. Hence, she had little awareness of her part in her marriage problems.

It is unfortunate that we have such a limited view of self-awareness. Rather than self-awareness being a process where we are self-absorbed, self-awareness can be a process where we understand ourselves, our motives, our intentions. Through this process—similar to the process the psalmist used when he proclaimed, “Search me, Oh God,”—we reflect to understand what makes us tick. From this place, we can ask God to change our hearts, helping us to approach others from a humble position.

“I’m not sure what good this is going to do, coming alone,” Becky said with obvious irritation. “He needs to be with me to work on our marriage. I know I have things to work on, but believe me, he has a lot of issues.”

“I don’t doubt that, Becky,” I said. “But he isn’t willing to come at this point, so that leaves you with limited options.”

“I want him to be there too,” she persisted.

“That would be ideal,” I said to her over the phone. “We’d love to meet him. But, since he won’t come, you have an opportunity to review your role in the marriage problems. We can critically look at how you respond to him, and new, more effective approaches.”

Becky was uncertain about this approach, having convinced herself that Cal was “an angry, irritable man who has probably been cheating on me.” Her anger was palpable. She may be right about his character traits and attitude. Yet, we still suggested that she come out “to settle down, consider the situation and prayerfully reflect upon your feelings and choices.”

“Yes,” she said. “A place to reflect by the ocean. Sounds good. If I’m part of the problem, and I’m sure I am, I want to do my part to fix things.”

“We applaud your attitude, Becky,” I said, sharing the sentiments of the Marriage Recovery Center staff. “We’ve seen many individuals come here and leave much clearer about how they have been hooked into a destructive process. One person can change a marriage dance.”

“We’ll see,” she said with obvious disdain. “I’ll be there on Friday.”

Becky arrived as planned several days later. Though only thirty-five years old, she was heavy set and appeared tired. She forced a greeting that belied her anxiety and tension about her marriage.

My associate and I greeted her warmly and helped her become settled in the Marriage Recovery Center cottage. Over the next several days we helped Becky explore her part in her marriage.

Stepping back from our problems, talking them out with a neutral professional can be a powerful way to gain perspective. Though quite discouraged, Becky rediscovered her vibrant faith and was able to see how she contributed to Cal wanting to leave the marriage.

Here are some practical tools she developed in exploring her part in their marriage problems:

First, develop a prayerful attitude.

Scripture tells us “But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you” (Matthew 6:6). Prayer time is invaluable time to commune with God and gain new perspectives on your life.

Second, ask for wisdom.

Ask God to reveal to you your part in your relationship problems. Have you developed a bitter spirit? Are you passive-aggressive in how you respond to your mate? Do you harbor resentment?

Third, write out a Relationship Inventory.

Journal about your marriage, from the start until now. What are you like to live with? What are your strengths and weaknesses? Ask your mate for feedback on what he/she would like to see you change? How have your issues impacted your mate?

Fourth, develop a Change Plan.

Without a specific plan, we are not likely to change. Choose one or two primary issues and seek to change them. Maintaining a clear focus, “keep your side of the street clean.” Scripture says, “as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18).

Fifth, encourage what you want to see changed in your mate.

We know that encouragement is a greater reinforcer of change than criticism. Seek to eliminate criticism and comment positively on the little things you notice your mate doing that feel good to you. Be the change you seek from your mate.

Finally, love confidently.

One person can change the interactions in a relationship. Because emotions are contagious, a positive, confident spirit will bring positivity into your marriage. Taking responsibility for your issues will be contagious to your mate. Watch how you interact with your mate, making minor adjustments over time to suit the situation. Changing you will change your mate.

. . . . . . . .

Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at therelationshipdoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website www.marriagerecoverycenter.com and yourrelationshipdoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.

When You’re Emotionally Wounded

Dr. David Hawkins — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 21:52:50 GMT

“You don’t care how I feel,” Laura said angrily to Stephen. He winced at her words.

“That’s ridiculous,” Stephen blurted, her words, however, striking a chord with him. She had made that accusation before and each time her words cut a little deeper. He wondered if some part of her words might be true.

“Why ridiculous?” she demanded. “If you really cared about me, you’d listen to me. You’d make me number one in your life. You’d spend more time with me. But you don’t.”

“Those are very strong accusations,” I said. “You seem to be in a lot of pain.”

“I am,” she said, beginning to cry.

Stephen turned away from her. Their connection had been broken earlier, and now, out of their own pain, they continued hurting each other.

“If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t be sitting here in counseling,” he shared. His words had no impact on her. She felt insignificant to her husband and that’s what was central in her mind. His defenses only seemed to fuel the fire.

Laura began to make her argument again; however, this time I stopped her.

“Laura,” I calmly said. “Can you see that you are making accusations against Stephen and each time you do he counters with a defense? Stephen, can you see that when she makes an accusation, defending yourself only continues the struggle.”

“What should we do?” Laura asked plaintively.

“Great question,” I said. “So many couples become wounded by their mate and then, acting out of their wounds, continue the battle. Unbeknownst to them, their ongoing words only serve to deepen the wounds. We want to heal the wounds, not deepen them.”

Albert Einstein said, “You cannot solve a problem with the same mind that created it.”

Scripture tells us that we must “renew our minds,” and then we will be able to face relationship problems more effectively (Romans 12:2).

Laura and Stephen were locked in a battle; each person was wounded and approached their mate from those wounds. They would have to “change their minds” if they hoped to solve their problems.

Let’s consider some guidelines for how to change your mind when you feel wounded by your mate.

1. Calm yourself down.

This is easier said than done. When you’ve been wronged or felt wronged, your first instinct is to attack. Out of your Protective Self, you are likely to say hurtful things, perhaps even do hurtful things. Don’t do it. Calm yourself down. Go for a walk. Pray. Take a few deep breaths. Taking time for a fresh perspective is often helpful.

2. Slow things down.

You can’t think straight when you are flooded with emotion. You can’t work on five problems at the same time. Ask your mate to slow things down so you can think. Thinking—slow, deliberate thinking—is an under-used skill, helpful in these kinds of situations.

3. Agree on the topic.

While it is tempting to “paperclip” issues, most of us feel overwhelmed when trying to tackle more than one issue at a time. Agree on one issue, focusing solely on that issue. Avoid the temptation to bring up past grudges. These deserve a time and place of their own if they’re still brewing inside you.

4. Really listen to your mate.

There is no shortcut to being fully present to your mate. Offering your attention and concentration is one of the highest gifts you can give your mate. Reflect that you are listening. Care enough about your mate’s wounds that you are willing to let yours go—temporarily!

5. Empathize with your mate, asking them what they need different from you.

Show that you understand how you’ve wounded them, make appropriate apologies and ask what they need different from you in the future. If they sense you really care, they will usually tell you what is bothering them.

6. Agree on solutions.

Making sacred agreements is powerful in relationships. Being committed to a new course of action will offer great reassurance to your mate and do much to heal their wounds. Be specific in regards to future courses of actions. Make a plan to be accountable to each other for change.

Wounds happen, but they can heal. But, they cannot be healed in a hostile environment. Don’t believe there are any relationships where wounds won’t happen. You can agree together on how you will handle wounds. The healthy relationship commits to decreasing the times of wounding one another and establishing ways you help each other heal from the wounds.

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Power Struggles are Exhausting

Dr. David Hawkins — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 20:51:18 GMT

I watched yet again as couple attending an intensive here at The Marriage Recovery Center clawed and fought for what they wanted from each other, all the while becoming more and more exhausted and discouraged.

“Do you notice what is happening here?” I asked.

Jill had tears in her eyes as her husband, Ted, stared at her angrily. Married for seven years, they had come here as a “last ditch effort”.

Neither spoke, sitting with their pain and feelings of fear and rejection. Both desperately wanted to save their marriage and wanted reassurance from the other. Yet when speaking to each other from their ‘hurting self’, they could only speak more hurtful words.

“Hurting people hurt people,” I said to them. “You’re both trying to get what you need, but the way you are doing it only pushes your mate away, leaving you feeling even more rejected and hurt.”

“But, I’m not asking for that much,” Ted blurted out. “I just want her to stop yelling at me.”

“And I want you to stop yelling at me,” Jill retorted.

“Hold on folks,” I said. “You’re starting it all over again—telling the other what you want, but doing it in a critical, angry voice. Power struggles are a good way to lose power, and NOT get what you want.”

“I don’t start it,” Jill responded defensively. “He starts it.”

“If you respond defensively,” I countered, “you’re buying in. You’re continuing the vicious cycle.”

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“I mean, someone has to stop the bickering, settle things down and speak from a calm, clear place.”

“That’s easier said than done,” Ted said.

“You’re so right,” I said. “We try to grab and get what we want, instead of caringly and compassionately asking for what we need.”

And so goes the vicious cycle, until someone decides the pattern is not working for them. They speak from their wounds, biting word after biting word, serving only to push the other further away. They try to get what they want, using power to coerce change in the other, yet only becoming more exhausted.

“You both want love and affection from the other,” I said softly. “You both want to be held and to be told the other is there for you. You both want to be hugged and reassured that things will be OK.”

“Yes,” Ted said anxiously. “I was left in a former marriage, and I’m frightened that Jill is going to leave me too.”

“Wow, Ted,” I said. “That was honest and said in a way that I bet touches Jill’s heart.”

Indeed, Jill turned to him and patted his leg. I could feel the shift in the room. Jill’s heart had softened. Why? Because Ted talked in a way that connected to Jill, not push her away. He had spoken from his Most Vulnerable Self, asking for what he needed. She responded in kind.

Consider some of these tools for giving up power struggles and asking for what you need:

First, emotions are contagious.

Yes, I’ve said this again and again. Emotions attract like emotions. If I respond to you angrily, you’re more likely to respond angrily back. If, on the other hand, I respond from a soft, sensitive place, I’m more likely to ‘hook’ that soft, sensitive place in my mate.

Second, power struggles don’t work.

I can’t make my mate do anything. The more I try to coerce her to change, the more pushback I’m going to get. The more I scold, ridicule or chastise him/her, the more that language and emotion comes back to bite me.

Third, power struggles are exhausting.

Power struggles—attempts to make a mate change—lead to resistance and resentment. You find yourself harboring anger and bitterness that is draining. Sincerity works. Vulnerability works. Sitting down and having heart to heart conversation works. These moments are exhilarating, not exhausting.

Fourth, instead of power struggles, ask kindly and respectfully for what you want.

Be specific. If you need a hug, ask for it. If you want reassurance, ask for it. If you want to spend more time with your mate, ask for it. Clear, constructive conversations lead to healthier outcomes.

Finally, keep agreements.

Remember what your mate wants and needs. Remind yourself about what is important to him/her. You will make unbelievable points by surprising your mate with some earlier request, letting them know you’ve been thinking about them.

Angry, coercive conversations are poison to a relationship. Soft, gentle words are soothing and exciting. Watch for words and phrases that seem to push your mate away, and continue using words that seem to draw them close. Notice the difference.

Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at therelationshipdoctor@gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my websites: www.marriagerecoverycenter.com and yourrelationshipdoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.

End Spats with Your Spouse

Dr. David Hawkins — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 21:27:47 GMT

You don’t have to attend every fight to which you are invited.

Think about it. People invite you to a fight everyday.

Some do it brazenly: “That’s the dumbest thing anyone has ever said.”

Some do it subtly: “What makes you think you’re doing it right?”

The end result is the same: a fight. Whether someone stands nose to nose with you and dares you to talk back or subtly insults you or perhaps very passively puts you down, the result is the same—a fight.

Smart people know they don’t have to accept every invitation to an argument. In fact, wise people don’t accept any invitations because they know that the end result is a fight with feelings hurt, relationships damaged, and self-esteem compromised. There are no safe fights.

“My wife and I fight all the time,” a man attending a Marriage Intensive recently said to me. Jeb was a self-made businessman, brilliant with numbers, talented as a salesman and keen in knowing what the market was doing. Yet, he seemed to have no sense when it came to communicating with his wife, Kallie.

“I don’t know how she gets to me,” Jeb continued. “Something about the way she talks to me makes me react. I go from 0 to a 100 in 5 seconds.”

“People don’t react to nothing,” I said to Jeb. “Think about what is happening and let’s work backwards to understand what it is that’s making you react.”

Jeb looked away, paused and then blurted out, “She criticizes me. I can be doing to the slightest thing she doesn’t like and I bite.”

“Yes,” I said. “You bite. That means if you can notice what she does, the fight she invites you to, you can decline the invitation. You’re in control of biting back.”

Jeb smiled.

“Easier said than done,” he said. “When she pokes at me, I’ve got to poke back.”

“How’s that working for you?” I asked, smiling.

“Not too well,” he said. “Still, I don’t know if I can turn down the invitation.”

“You can notice her criticizing you, affirm what she is upset about, promise to fix things, and let it go at that. It is imperative that you learn to take the high road.”

We continued to talk about Jeb’s relationship with his wife and ways to not get hooked by criticism. He hadn’t been aware or taken full responsibility for how reactive he had been. He wanted to blame the entire problem on his wife, when in fact he had choices. He seemed to appreciate that he had the power to get hooked or not. He had choice about whether he was going to get into a fight. Let’s look carefully at his choices.

First, we all can become more aware of what is happening that starts a fight.

We can become aware of the little things or big things that feel provocative. We can notice our reaction and slow things down, leaving us room to consider our choices.

Second, we can acknowledge when someone is being provocative.

We can notice their provocation and choose how we will respond. We don’t have to be reactive, but rather proactive. We can choose how we will respond; and this ability to choose is powerful.

Third, we can consider what is happening that causes them to be provocative.

Many times someone is picking a fight because they feel wounded in some way. We can take time to consider their response and whether we’ve done anything to hurt them. If so, we can take responsibility for our actions and make remedies to them.

Finally, determine to manage your emotions effectively.

As Scripture states, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice” (Ephesians 4:31). We are not to be fighting with each other, even if others are intent upon fighting with us.

So, be on your guard. Watch out for those who want to argue, bicker or fight and be intent on declining invitations to fights.

Five Signs of Online Infidelity

Dr. David Hawkins — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 14:40:30 GMT

It all began innocently enough, as these things often do. Cal, a 47-year-old engineer, reserved but friendly, had been contacted by an old friend through a social networking website. He had ventured into online chatting cautiously and awkwardly.

No problem so far.

Then he struck up a conversation with an old female friend from high school, asking what had she been doing with her life? How many kids? Happily married?

Cal and his former classmate, Susan, corresponded about once a week at first with his wife knowing he occasionally chatted with friends, some women, from high school. Though slightly annoyed, Cal’s wife, Cynthia rationalized away her fears, reminding herself, “Everyone’s doing it”, including herself.

No problem so far.

Yes, Cynthia was doing the same thing. In fact, she was more active on Facebook than Cal. It was fun to see pictures of family and connect with friends from the past.

No problem so far.

Cal hardly noticed the internal shift. He couldn’t tell me when he began to notice the tingle he felt when Susan responded to his notes. She seemed interested in his life, a life he considered boring and routine.

Uh oh!

Cal began looking forward to her questions and opportunities to share about his life. She asked questions his wife had long since stopped asking. She was genuinely curious about his life.

Uh oh!

Cal began making “Seemingly Unimportant Decisions” (SUDS), venturing into other chatrooms, making friends here and there. He told himself that he was safe, no harm was being done, and he was perfectly “normal” doing what he was doing.

Uh oh!

Ever so gradually, Cal’s list of “friends” grew. Some were men while many were women. He denied to himself that he enjoying hearing from the women more than the men. He spent more and more time online.

“Cynthia started getting more critical about what I was doing,” Cal shared with me. “She saw the warning signs I couldn’t see. I rationalized them away, telling myself everyone was doing this. Everybody is on Facebook. I asked myself, ‘What harm could come of it?’”

“So,” I said, “you kept reaching further and further into this new world.”

“Yes,” he said. “And I liked it. There were so many women who found me handsome, exciting and interesting. I started keeping some of my activities a secret, which should have been my first warning. But, I thought she was overly jealous.”

“Sounds like this all developed over a long period of time, Cal,” I said. “A little deeper with every step.”

“Yup,” he said. “Before I knew it I was talking to more and more women and I was excluding Cynthia from this secret life. I became preoccupied with who I might meet and how they might find me attractive and interesting.”

“This all sounds very seductive, Cal,” I suggested. “Eventually, you met up with some of the women.”

“Yes,” Cal said, hanging his head. “I didn’t mean for things to end up this way.”

“And what led to the crash, Cal?” I asked.

“I led this double life for a couple of years,” he said solemnly. “I chatted with a lot of women. I met some of them and had a couple of affairs. All the while I was still active in church and no one suspected what I was up to. But, Cynthia finally caught me and now my life is a mess.”

Cal sat weeping about his life. His wife of 27 years was threatening to leave him, he was embarrassed over his behavior and felt more alone and empty than when he began the flirtatious actions.

Let’s explore how this seemingly innocuous behavior can become an addiction.

1. We deny our pain.

Cal wasn’t aware of how vulnerable he was. He had no idea that he was craving attention and encouragement. This denial made him vulnerable to the many opportunities for excitement on the Internet.

2. Chatting makes us feel good.

No harm so far, right? Wrong. Anything that alters our mood and behavior should be critically reviewed. Anything that alters our mood has the power and potential to become addicting. We want more of the ‘drug’ to make us feel better.

3. We deny the impact chatting has upon our lives.

We tell ourselves that what we’re doing is innocuous. We tell ourselves we’re not harming anyone, all the while becoming more dangerous with our behavior. We take greater risks, telling ourselves we’re safe.

4. We begin keeping secrets.

Because it is dangerous and we know it is wrong, we start hiding things from our mate. This is a sure sign that we’re on thin ice. Anything we have to hide should make us suspect. We must live lives of transparency and accountability.

5. We get legitimate needs met illegitimately.

Our needs are not wrong—only the way we are going about getting them met. Cal needed to step back, take an inventory of his life and marriage and consider how he might spruce up his life. Rather than getting titillation from others, he needed to create these feelings from within his marriage.

Scripture offers us guidance on the matter: “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth.” (Proverbs 5:18) We must seek pleasures from with the safety of our marriage.

While I’m certainly not bashing social media websites, I offer a strong word of caution after seeing countless marriages damaged from unfaithfulness rising largely from these online opportunities. Be careful. Be open and transparent. Most importantly, share your needs with your spouse.

Five Keys to a Healthy Relationship

Dr. David Hawkins — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 23:57:47 GMT

I watched Jennifer grow pale as her husband of three years, Kevin stonewalled her. He sat rigid and silent as she asked him sensitive questions about their marriage.

Jennifer was 37 years old, vivacious and lively. Both she and Kevin had been married before. She hoped this marriage would go better, but so far she had been bitterly disappointed.

“I want to believe that he won’t cheat on me like my ex-husband did, but I don’t know if I can trust him.”

Kevin shrugged, but after a few moments he opened up.

“I haven’t done anything wrong,” he spat defensively. “I can’t believe she’s even questioning my faithfulness. She’s comparing me to her ex and I don’t deserve that.”

“But, you don’t tell me where you’re going or when you’ll be back,” Jennifer said. “How do I know exactly what you’re doing? After all…..” her voice trailed off.

“After all, what?” I asked.

“Oh, I don’t know,” she said, looking down.

“I really don’t know,” she said again. Jennifer looked very sad, but each time we had asked her during the Marriage Intensive if she was sad, she’d denied it. She shared how her faith had helped her heal from the pain of her previous marriage, and disappointments in her current one.

Kevin was looking away as well. It seemed that both had learned how to fight, flee or freeze, but had never learned the art of flow—the art of mutually sharing feelings in a safe place, with someone who genuinely wants to know what you are feeling, share what they are feeling, and both seek answers to problems together.

I noted her tendency to disappear before saying what she really wanted to say. I commented on how she seemed to withdraw into herself, only to come out fighting moments later. She lacked the ability, however, to share from her Core Self, where she was calm, clear, compassionate and courageous.

“Kevin,” I asked, “do you encourage Jennifer to share her feelings? Do you encourage her to talk about what she needs and wants from this marriage? Do you know why she is so distrusting?”

“I have some ideas,” he said haltingly. “But, I don’t know for sure. We usually fight or withdraw from each other. We don’t talk like we’re talking here.”

“I didn’t think so,” I said. “But, talking about your feelings and what you need from each other is the only way to real connection. How about if we practice that? I’d like to teach you more about flow.” I shared the following with them:

First, healthy relationships require safety.

We will not share feelings if we do not feel safe and trusting. Safety from what? Safety from feeling judged, ridiculed, or blamed. To keep the communication safe we must manage our emotions, maintain good eye contact, monitor our tone of voice, and express our sincere interest in what our mate needs to say.

Second, healthy relationships require compassion.

Scripture is clear about the importance of compassion. “To sum it up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted and humble in spirit” (I Peter 3:8). These qualities form the basis of compassion, and create a safe and effective atmosphere for flow.

Third, healthy relationships require humility.

No relationship lasts long if one person attempts to compete or ‘win’ over the other. The couple must believe that each is in the relationship to enhance the best of the other. They need to believe there will be self-sacrifice for the well-being of the other. Power struggles sabotage flow in communication.

Fourth, healthy relationships require openness.

There is no substitute for relationship transparency. Intimacy—“into me see”—requires self-disclosure. There can be no flow in communication without the willingness, and ease, of openness. Each partner is excited to share the joys and challenges of the day with their mate.

Finally, healthy relationships require connection.

Connection is the result of a joyful relationship built upon trust, safety, compassion, interest in the other, humility, and openness. Someone has said that we need to “feel at home” in the presence of another who knows and gets us. As we build this history with another, we build a strong and vibrant connection that results in flow.