Marriage 911

The Power of Cooperation

Dr. David Hawkins — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 20:37:27 GMT

“We’ve got to learn to fight fair,” a young woman said to me recently. Sitting across from her husband of five years, Laurie complained that her husband, Zach and she didn’t know how to fight in a healthy way.

“What do you mean by ‘fighting fair,’” I asked.

“Well, you know,” she insisted. “We’ve got to learn how to have healthy arguments.”

Zach looked on, nodding his head in agreement. He then jumped in.

“We know you have to fight to clear the air, but it’s no fun.”

“Why do you have to fight to clear the air?” I asked. “And what do you both mean by ‘healthy arguments?’”

Both seemed surprised by my questions.

“You know,” Laurie said again. “Learning how to fight fair instead of yelling at each other. We get mean at times, and that’s not healthy for us or for our kids to see.”

I looked at Laurie and Zach and shared an important truth about fighting.

“You know, the idea of ‘fighting fair’ is not really a good practice. It sounds good, but the idea isn’t scriptural. Scripture encourage us to speak kindly to one another—to always speak the truth in love. We are to cooperate with one another, not battle and get into power struggles.”

“But, that’s impossible,” Laurie said. “Every couple has to fight sometime.”

“Do they?” I asked. “I’m not sure about that.”

Laurie and Zach struggle to get along, and they are in good company. Nearly every couple I work with—and I specialize in couples counseling—struggle with getting along. As the Apostle James says: “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but you don’t get it.” (James 4: 1-2)

The Apostle James is clear; we are not to be fighting and quarreling. We are not to be stuck in trying to get what we want, coercing others into submitting to our point of view or will. Yet, fighting fair seems to be built upon the premise that we will fight; we just must follow some rules for how to fight fairly. But “fighting” and being “fair” about it are generally mutually exclusive.

A recent email shares the agony that comes from fighting.

Dear Dr. David,

I am sick to death of fighting with my husband. We are both Christians, but you wouldn’t know it if you saw what happens behind the closed doors of our home. When things are going well, we really love each other. But, when we don’t get along, we fight like cats and dogs. We each try to talk the other into our point of view, and even resort to calling names at times. We’re always sorry later, but at the time we lose our tempers and say things we don’t really mean. We need to learn how to fight fair, but I’m not sure where to start.

-- Tired of Fighting

This email illustrates the point I want to make—"fighting fair" is not the answer we all believe it might be. While I certainly believe in being fair, I don’t think fighting is healthy. What would happen if we approached conflict from a different point of view?

First, we are to have a humble attitude. The Apostle Paul challenges us: “Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.” (Romans 12:3) We are not simply to act humbly once in a while, but are challenged to “clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.” (Colossians 3:12) Nothing is said here about "fighting fair."

Second, we are to practice putting other’s needs before our own. Not only are we not encouraged to "fight fair," but we are to consider other’s needs ahead of our own. We are not to fight and battle with each other to win. “Do nothing out of selfish ambition and vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but to the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:3-4) How often do you focus on listening carefully to what your mate needs?

Third, seek to cooperate rather than dominate. Instead of trying to "win" or even "‘fight fair,’ seek what is best for your mate. Listen to them, seeking to build them up. Meet them at their point of need and watch them flourish. Pay attention to the matters that concern them, and seek to help them in any way you can. In return, you will be loved and appreciated. Love is never selfish and never fails. (I Corinthians 13)

Finally, we can only accomplish this by the power of the Spirit. Our egos want to rule, fight, battle,and conquer. When we add a bit of emotional TNT to the scenario, our egos become even more unruly. When we allow the Holy Spirit to tame our emotions and desires, we stop trying to win and instead seek to cooperate. That is real strength! “I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.” (Ephesians 3:16-17)

. . . . . . . . . . .

Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at therelationshipdoctor@gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my Web site, www.marriagerecoverycenter.com and yourrelationshipdoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency, rejection by your mate, and affair-proofing your marriage.

Tired of Trying to Save Your Marriage?

Dr. David Hawkins — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 21:47:55 GMT

“She doesn’t see anything she’s done to cause this divorce,” a middle-aged man complained to me recently. “She can’t see how her leaving caused everything to go wrong in our marriage.”

Clearly angry and hurt over his wife’s recent request for a separation, Darin was caught up in his own pain and seemingly oblivious to what he had done to contribute to their marital problems. He sat in front of me now hoping I could perform a miracle in their marriage.

“Why did she leave?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” he said. “Karen hasn’t been happy in our marriage for a long time. But, I can’t figure her out. Mid-life crisis, I guess.”

“Sounds like a lot more than a mid-life crisis,” I said. “You said she’s been unhappy for a long time.”

“Yeah,” Darin said slowly, considering my words. “But, she’s never told me exactly what she wants me to do differently. How am I supposed to know what she wants?”

“Well, you’re not supposed to read her mind,” I said. “However, you are supposed to listen carefully to her. I wonder if your wife has told you many times, in many different ways, what she needs, and you haven’t really been listening?”

Darin winced at my words. I watched in silence as he considered the possibility.

“She says she’s told me, but I don’t really think she has,” Darin said softly.

Darin was in genuine pain. His marriage of 25 years seemed to be slipping out of his grasp. A long-term marriage, three grown children, a lovely home, and a pile of dreams for his later years were all drifting away. This was all because his wife was unhappy, and he didn’t see the warning signs.

I never met Karen. She wouldn’t come in because, in her words, she was finished. She was exhausted from:

Trying to make her husband be sensitive to her needs;
Trying to make him listen to her;
Trying to create adventure and excitement in their marriage;
Trying to make him participate fully in parenting their children;
Trying to make him stop getting angry;
Trying to make him participate in her church and faith life.

Simply put, Karen was tired. She had lost hope that Darin would change. She had lost hope that he would become interested in her life. She wanted someone who would not only care about her life, but would champion her desires and goals. She didn’t want to beg him to read the books on improving their communication. She wanted him to seek out those books on his own and take initiative to change.

“I’m going to sit back and watch,” Karen said to me. “I’m not coming to counseling unless I see a real change in him. I’m not sure I have anything left in me to give.”

I gave Darin the bad news about Karen’s decision not to come to counseling. Initially annoyed and angry, I encouraged him not to take a victim stance, but to take initiative now to reinvent himself. There would be no guarantee that she would come back to him, but she had offered a glimmer of hope when she said she would “wait and see.” The rest would be up to Darin.

We agreed to take things one step at a time in counseling. While he couldn’t make Karen come back to him, he could increase his chances by considering what she had been trying to tell him for years. We agreed to:

First, consider what Karen had been trying to say for years. I asked Darin to keep a journal and recall everything she had been saying. He recalled the times she had angrily stated she wanted more affection, as well as, times when she withdrew in frustration from having to do more than her share of work around the house. Slowly, he created a list of issues that became the road map for our work. Journaling caused Darin to "tune in" to Karen in new ways.

Second, remember why Karen fell in love with him. Darin made out a list of those positive traits that initially drew Karen to him, such as being adventurous and daring, and to redevelop those traits. He would have to cultivate being a caring, attentive man, with very limited opportunities to show those changes due to their separation. Still, character change in us is revealed over time, I assured him.

Third, focus on himself. While it was tempting to become angry and bitter about Karen leaving him, we focused on using this crisis as an opportunity for growth. I reminded Darin that Karen would be watching for long-lasting, depth change—not short-term, cosmetic changes. Darin would come to understand the virtue of patience during this crisis.

Fourth, pray for Karen. We agreed that Darin would not simply pray for Karen to come back to him—which was his selfish request—but that she find healing for the wounds she suffered in their marriage. Darin would need to practice “letting go, and letting God.”

Fifth, apologize and make amends. Because of their separation Darin had limited opportunities to show he was sorry for neglecting his wife. Yet, in small ways—a card here and there—he was able to convey he was sorry and was determined to become a better man. He became sensitive to Karen, even through their distance, in allowing her the space she needed to consider her choices.

Finally, trust in God’s sovereignty. For as much as I wanted to give Darin positive feedback, he had to face the fact that Karen might not come back to him. Tempted to see God as a genie in a bottle, I reminded him that God promised never to leave him—not necessarily to answer every prayer just the way he wanted. There might be painful consequences to his actions, but surely God would make “all things work together for good.” (Romans 8: 28)

Growing Up in Your Marriage

Dr. David Hawkins — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 21:03:41 GMT

“I can’t stand the way he gets angry, pouts and tries to get even with me when he’s mad,” a young woman named Cathy said to me recently during a counseling session.

“Right,” her husband, Tim muttered. “And Doctor David, you don’t know what she’s like behind closed doors either.”

Coming to me for counseling because of marriage problems, I could quickly see that Tim and Cathy were in significant trouble. After ten years of marriage, they had reached a dangerous point in their marriage where they felt nothing but contempt for one another.

Researchers are clear—when contempt and acrimony flood a relationship, a physical or emotional separation is not far behind. This research isn’t based on rocket science, but rather practical principles, as well as Biblical truths, that we cannot abuse each other without severe ramifications.

We all must ask ourselves some challenging questions:

What causes contempt in a marriage?
What is my part in this growing contempt?
How can I change these problems?

Contempt doesn’t drop out of the sky onto our marriage. Sadly, we create it. As much as we might want to blame our mate, we must critically look in the mirror to see if we are immature and creating havoc by our behavior.

Contempt is the product of:

Relentless criticism
Sarcasm
Judgments
Insensitivity
Distance
Settling for mediocrity

Because contempt is so debilitating to a marriage, as well as to our personal well-being, we must be ruthless in our endeavor to discover the truth about our actions and attitudes. If you are willing to take a ‘fearless moral inventory,’ you’ll usually discover various forms of immaturity that must be addressed.

Getting rid of immaturity is not simply something good for our marriage and personal mental health—though it sure is good for that—but it is our Biblical responsibility as well.

Consider this Biblical imperative:

“Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good.” (I Peter 2: 2-4)

While this Scripture is filled with instruction, pay special attention to what we must do—rid ourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind—and the results that occur when you do it—grow up in your salvation. Imagine the impact we could have on our marriage if we kept our side of the street clean by ridding our lives of malice, deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander. What would happen if we chose even one of these—slander—and asked the Lord to cleanse our life of this destructive habit?

Slander (purposely injuring our mate with words) is not only immature, but incredibly destructive. While we may rationalize our behavior, claiming our mate is the cause of actions, this doesn’t cut it. We are called to grow up in our salvation, and one way we do this is by choosing to be loving even when it’s not easy to do.

Five Steps to Take to “Grow Up” in Your Marriage

Agree to end criticism. Criticism is not only immature, but is incredibly destructive. Criticism undermines self-esteem, destroys intimacy, and creates divisiveness. Instead, make specific requests of what you’d like from your mate.
Use encouragement liberally. Mature people notice efforts made by their mate and encourage them. They know their mate will never be perfect, and when positive efforts are made to meet those requests, they offer encouragement.
Refuse to slander your mate. Give up negative labels. Don’t stoop to calling names, making judgments, or dishonoring your mate. No matter how discouraged you might feel, never put your mate down.
Keep your side of the street clean. Ask the Lord to work on your heart. Notice and work on your part of the dance. Don’t enable or reinforce destructive behavior. When one person changes, the other will change as well.
Reinforce and maintain clear boundaries. Don’t be afraid of consequences for harmful behavior. Just as you hold yourself to honorable behavior, maintain clear expectations to be treated honorably by your mate and to treat your mate honorably. Agree ahead of time on consequences for immature and dishonoring behavior.

Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at therelationshipdoctor@gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my Web site, www.marriagerecoverycenter.com and www.yourrelationshipdoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency, rejection by your mate, and affair-proofing your marriage.

~ Dr. David Hawkins

Defusing Confrontation

Dr. David Hawkins — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 17:56:50 GMT

Imagine the following scene:

You purchase a gizmo from your local hardware store. Soon after arriving home you anxiously tear open the package, hook the gizmo up, only to find your gizmo is doesn’t work. You mutter under your breath and stomp back out to your car to return the apparently broken gizmo.

Duly irritated, you march up to the return counter and complain that the gizmo doesn’t work.

“Are you sure it won’t work?” the clerk asks.

“What kind of question is that?” you retort. “Of course I’m sure it won’t work. I want it replaced.”

“Did you read the directions?” the clerk continues. “People are always bringing gizmos back when they haven’t read the instructions.”

And so it goes. Two brain stems arguing with each other.

Now imagine an entirely different scenario:

You purchase a gizmo from your local hardware store. You get it home only to find out it doesn’t work. You storm back to the store and insist on a replacement, muttering something about stores selling faulty merchandise.

“This gizmo doesn’t work,” you say sharply.

You stand there, hands on hips, waiting for the clerk’s response.

“That’s no good,” the clerk says. “We don’t want anyone unhappy. Let me help make sure you get a gizmo that works perfectly.”

Your anger magically subsides. In fact, you forget about your frustration and ask the clerk about his day, his family, compliment him on his tie. You feel like you’ve met a friend.

Okay, perhaps asking about the clerk’s family is a bit over the top, but the principle is the same: angry confrontations don’t work. A gentle answer turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up anger. (Proverbs 15: 1)

This issue was illustrated to me in a recent email:

Dear Dr. David. My husband and I fight—a lot. It doesn’t seem to matter what we talk about. We always end up arguing. He usually attacks me for the way I take care of the house. I know I don’t like the way he disciplines our children. We seem to have lost respect for each other and I’m not sure we can ever get it back. I don’t respect him, and frankly I’m starting not to like him anymore. I don’t know if he loves me anymore. What can we do to start treating each other with respect and care?

Clearly this woman and her husband are two arguing brain stems. Like the first scenario in my story, when two angry people make contact, the result is rarely pretty.

Thankfully, our relationships don’t need to be driven by our brain stems. Put another way, we can think through how we want to respond to confrontation. In fact, with a little forethought we can manage how someone talks to us after we have been confronted.

There are three strategies that must be mastered:

First, manage your anger. Again, two brain stems aren’t going to accomplish much, except to have a heated argument and treat each other with disrespect. No one wants to go nose to nose with someone, especially if that other person is your mate. It is your responsibility to keep your cool—even if your mate doesn’t!

Two, eliminate defensiveness. Use a time out, deep breathing, silent prayer or imagine spraying Teflon on yourself you are shielded from angry assaults and you are able to listen to your mate’s concerns. Their confrontation is about them, not you. This is their concern, and you must “be with” their frustrations. Defensiveness signals an unwillingness to listen to, and be with, their concerns.

Third, empathize with your mate, seeking solutions. Let them know, much like the clerk in the store, that you don’t want them to be upset. You care about their concerns and can agree, at least in part, with their concerns. Even if you cannot agree with everything they say, find a “kernel of truth” in what they’re saying. Show interest and commit yourself to rectifying the problem. Watch as the confrontation is defused.

Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency, rejection by your mate and affair-proofing your marriage.

Avoiding the Victim Mentality

Dr. David Hawkins — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 22:16:11 GMT

“It takes two to Tango.”

Certainly we understand that it takes two people to create a dance—even a dysfunctional one. We know we’re not saints, and when pressed we’ll probably admit we’re all sinners. Unfortunately, we sometimes forget we’re all human and play a role in our problems.

It has always been uncomfortable to admit to shortcomings. Rarely do we like our faults pointed out to us. Few feel strong or secure enough to allow someone to speak truth into their lives. It is far easier, and much more comfortable, to sit with the mistaken belief that we are somehow on the higher moral road, and our mate is on the lower one. Sadly, this mistake keeps us stuck, both relationally and as individuals.

When in the midst of marriage problems, have you or your spouse ever thought:

• “It’s all her fault.”
• “His faults are greater than mine.”
• “I wouldn’t be like this if it weren’t for him/ her.”
• “I’m right!”
• “He’s wrong.”
• “Everything would be fine if it wasn’t for her.”

This list could go on and on. You could list many other myths most of us believe and embrace in an effort to protect our overly inflated view of ourselves. These narrow, reductionistic attitudes, however, are not only destructive but immature and false. Read the following email watching for narrow, rigid and faulty beliefs.

Dear Dr. David. I am so angry with my husband. I’ve been unhappy in my marriage for many years, and often think about divorce. I don’t like my husband’s arrogance and the way he treats me. He talks down to me and then I withdraw. He hates that I withdraw from him, but what can he expect. I don’t like how he treats our children. I don’t like that he won’t sit down and read Scripture with me, and only rarely goes to church with me. He works too much and spends too little time with me. He spends money we don’t have. I’ve grown so angry with him that I don’t like being around him much of the time. He notices my distance, but seems to do little to win me back to him. I’m not sure what else to do.

--Stuck in Anger

Dear Stuck,

While I certainly don’t want to reinforce unhealthy behavior in your husband, I’m struck by your lack of comment about your own behavior. While your husband certainly must be held accountable for his actions, I’m uncertain as to whether or not you recognize your own anger and perhaps even bitterness. Assuming you are bitter, are you aware of how your bitterness comes out toward him? Have you created a space welcoming him to win you back? There are a number of action steps for you to take.

First, be careful about developing a victim/ villain mentality. It is quite unlikely that he is the entire problem. Black and white thinking is unhealthy, faulty and most often untrue. Seeing him as the entire problem is actually a sign of arrogance on your part. Broaden your point of view, becoming clear as to the issues he brings to the marriage as well as your own. Be careful about blaming him for all your marriage problems.

Second, guard your heart against a bitter attitude. While there are clearly issues concerning your husband needing attention, bitterness toward him will not help the situation. Scripture says, “Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.” (Hebrews 12: 15) Bitterness has been called the poison pill we take hoping to hurt another.

Third, agree together to seek counseling. In counseling you can sort through which issues are his, which are yours and which are “ours.” Many relationship problems occur in our dysfunctional interaction with each other, and we need skilled guidance to recognize and work on these issues. Rarely are marital problems the result of one person doing all the damage. You both need to learn a healthier dance, which can include assertiveness and setting boundaries.

Fourth, keep your side of the street clean. You are right to be concerned about your husband’s behavior, and even right to hold him accountable for them. However, start with yourself. Consider your own issues, modeling humility and a willingness to grow. Humility causes us to let go of bitterness, offering a softer landing place for our mate to look at their issues. As he sees you owning your withdrawal from him, anger and arrogance, he may be more willing to consider his shortcomings.

Finally, provoke your mate—to good works! Instead of harboring bitterness and viewing yourself as the victim, follow the Scriptural principle of provoking him to good works. “Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works.” (Hebrews 10: 24) Get into the habit of out-loving each other. Catch each other doing things “right,” instead of “wrong.” Be quick to start over again, building one another up.

Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at mailto:TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, http://www.MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency, rejection by your mate and affair-proofing your marriage.

Drugs, the Family Destroyer

Dr. David Hawkins — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 22:47:24 GMT

Marriage is a challenge for many, even under the best of conditions. Learning to communicate effectively, managing tight finances and dealing effectively with conflict, all can be a difficult endeavor. Add drugs to the mix and it’s like pouring gasoline on a fire—explosions inevitably occur!

Having recently been inundated with calls and emails asking me to address the drug epidemic in this country, I decided it was time to address this prevalent issue again.

Drugs impact many marriages and families, rendering them helpless against this quiet killer. There are no simple solutions or quick fixes for the methamphetamine/ heroin/ marijuana/ cocaine epidemic sweeping our country. No one seems to have an answer.

Consider these statistics:

According to information from the 2007 National Household Survey on Drug Use and Health (NSDUH), 114 million Americans age 12 and older (46% of the population) reported illicit drug use at least once in their lifetime; 14% reported use of a drug within the past year; 8% reported use of a drug within the past month. Drug use is pervasive.

Further understand drug use is addictive. Rarely is one able to simply pick up a drug and readily put it back down. Further understand that chronic drug use paralyzes an individual—they no longer effectively manage their emotions, communication or faith life.

These facts seem like sad stories and statistics unless they strike close to home. When the poisonous impact of drugs hits your marriage and family, the impact is usually devastating.

A woman wrote to me recently indicating her personal struggle with drugs.

Dear Dr. David. My husband has had a long history of heroin and meth use. He has gone to treatment two times, and each time he remains clean for a few months before relapsing. Each time he relapses he promises he won’t use again, but it’s gotten to the point where I can’t trust him. He begs for me to forgive him and I have—again and again. But, what can I do to ever trust that he will remain clean for more than a month? How do I explain his drug use to our children?
What is the answer for the millions of us who have mates using drugs or alcohol? How can we keep trusting when our trust is violated again and again? When do we have the right to walk away? I love my husband, and I know he loves us. He loves his kids and I know they love him. But, this is killing us. No one can possibly understand this madness unless they’ve been through it.
--Desperate for a Normal Life

Dear Desperate,

You are right that no one can fully understand the madness you live with unless they’ve lived it themselves. Having worked in a drug and alcohol treatment facility, I’ve seen first-hand the devastation that occurs in the life of the drug user (as well as alcohol) and to the lives of the husbands/ wives and families as well. The repercussions are far-reaching. Finances are ruined, trust betrayed, and safety sabotaged.

Let me remind you of the few things you can do to cope with this silent killer. Armed with accurate information, you can make good choices for yourself and your family.

First, be informed. There is little more powerful than knowing about the drugs that steal your husband from you and your family. Read up on this silent killer, attend informational meetings and talk to others who know about this problem. Face the painful truth of how powerful drug addiction is, and the progressive nature of the problem.

Second, get support. There is a saying in the Twelve Step program that says, “You’re only as sick as your secrets.” Trying to keep this problem a secret from your friends and family will drive you crazy. While you don’t need to take out an ad in the local newspaper, you do need to let those who love and care about you know the troubles you’re facing. (They probably can guess anyway!)

Third, hold the addict accountable. Lying for him (or her), making excuses and pretending things aren’t as bad as they are, is another way to aggravate your difficulties. Face the issues. Acknowledge the addiction. Tell yourself the truth. Scripture tells us “The truth shall set you free,” (John 8: 32) and this is never more true than in the field of drug addiction.

Fourth, seek professional help. Professionals who deal with the ravages of drug addiction will help you make good decisions on holding the addict accountable for their choices. They will help you understand the addiction and ways to make it more likely that they will choose recovery over their addiction.

Fifth, consider an intervention. While incredibly frightening, consider gathering his loved ones for an intervention. Armed with information, and the skilled guidance of a professional able to direct this process, there are ways to “bring the bottom” to the addict, leading to recovery. Learn about this powerful tool and how it might help in your situation.

Sixth, understand that recovery is a process, not an event. The addict must learn that he/ she cannot go back to life as usual. They must learn the emotional aspects of their addiction, the behavioral changes needed, and the immensely helpful power of faith in the process of recovery. When one program is not enough, try another. Consider participation in Christian-based programs such as Celebrate Recovery for a comprehensive recovery program.

Finally, lean on the power of God in your life. It is true that when the storms of life surround us, we need God. When we reach the end of our resources, we need God. When our best efforts have done nothing but create chaos in our life, we need God. These are times to glean every bit of wisdom we can from the Proverbs, comfort from the Psalms and direction from Scripture.

Avoiding Emotional Overload

Dr. David Hawkins — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 21:33:03 GMT

Having just spent several days in Tennessee, we watched broadcasts of cities being flooded with unseasonal rains. Many panicked as their homes were besieged with water. I felt immediate empathy, having been a victim of flooding myself.

This literal flooding reminded me of another kind of flooding that takes place —emotional flooding. When our brains are overwhelmed with too many emotions, in a short period of time, they are unable to process information accurately, leading to something I call wild brain.

Perhaps you’ve experienced wild brain yourself. Overcome with too much emotion, you:

• Can’t think straight;
• Panic, tempted to engage in “fight or flight”;
• Distort information;
• React, instead of act;
• Make threats you later regret;
• Make promises you later regret;
• Use language you later regret.

Wild brain is a natural phenomenon—a state where we literally cannot process all the information coming at us. In this state of flooding, we feel out of control, and in many ways we are out of control. Like trying to restrain raging waters, information pours over the “banks” in our brains. Subsequently, we cannot accurately process what is happening to us.

Unfortunately, the results of wild brain are much like the tempestuous waters during a horrific rainstorm. Thoughts are unruly, emotions unmanageable, and behavior can become equally erratic. The impact on relationships is obvious—a great deal of damage can be done unless a couple is extremely careful.

A man wrote to me recently indicating his personal struggle with wild brain.

Dear Dr. David. There are times when I’m talking to my wife when I can’t follow what she is talking about. When we fight I get so upset I can hardly think straight. She expects me to make decisions when I can hardly make sense of what I’m thinking, let alone make a healthy choice about what she’s talking about. During these times I have shouted at her and feel terrible later. I feel like I’m losing control and it scares me. When I ask her to slow everything down she gets exasperated with me. What can I do?

This man is experiencing something common to most of us—wild brain. During any stressful situation it is common for us to become flooded.

What can be done to minimize the impact of wild brain?

First, get out of the storm. There is a time when we must simply seek shelter from a storm, rather than try to contain the wild waters. We seek shelter by calling a “time out” with our mate, limiting any discussion with voltage. We refuse to carry on a discussion when we become defensive and angry, knowing we are acting out of wild brain. We seek higher ground by finding a place that is safe—a sanctuary that is peaceful.

Two, attempt to calm yourself. After calling “time out,” reflect on what is happening to cause your wild brain. What is the “hot button” needing your attention? What is the threat you need to consider? In the quietness of your place of safety, breathe deeply and see if you can sort through the events leading to your flooded feelings.

Three, if necessary, seek people offering comfort. During the stressful times, find someone such as a counselor or confidant who offers comfort. Find that person who exudes compassion, a place where you will be able to sort through the wildness of your wild brain.

Four, sort through your thoughts and emotions a piece at a time. Beware of logjams where thoughts stack up and stick together. Alone or with the help of your compassionate friend or counselor, explore issues one at a time. Tease apart emotions, listening for what they are telling you. Sift through the distortions of wild brain, talking out your ideas, asking for feedback as to the truth and accuracy of your perceptions. Tease the truth apart from wild reactions, amplifications and misperceptions. Be willing to let go of beliefs that are inaccurate and unhealthy.

Fifth, pray. Just as the Psalmist sought comfort “in the cleft of the Rock,” so too we must take our cares to the One who can ably manage them. “Cast all your cares on Him, for He cares for you.” (I Peter 5: 7) Develop the habit of testing your thoughts and emotions. Petition God for wisdom, who promises to give it to us generously.
Sixth, get some distance from the problem. The brain tends to get stuck in a rut and a change of pace, scenery or circumstance alerts the brain that we are ready to see things differently. Working up a good sweat in exercise will help us shift gears. Journaling has also been proven effective to help sort through wild thoughts. Our parents were also right when they told us things would feel better in the morning—sleep on it!

Finally, prepare for wild brain. Just as rain will storm onto our land and into our lives, so too emotion will occasionally overwhelm us. Anticipate this. We will have times when our thoughts become jumbled. Have a well-worn path to safety. Know who you will turn to when you’re flooded with thoughts and unable to make a rational decision. As you sit comfortably on higher ground, clarity will return.

Stop Opinionating!

Dr. David Hawkins — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 20:40:18 GMT

We were huddled together outside an adorable bungalow in a quaint neighborhood in Seattle. Invited to participate in several “walk-throughs,” there was an air of excitement about which home my son, Tyson and daughter-in-law Jordana, would choose to make an offer on.

Their first home out of med school, with crackerjack houses costing more than many earn in a decade, this was a BIG decision. Excitement comingling with anxiety created a bit of tension.

We listened to the young realtor, Adam, Blackberry ringing with other deals in the works, tell us this sector of the real estate market had suddenly heated up. Moving at a snail’s pace three months earlier, houses were now selling in a day. Here again were the “Escalation Clauses,” where buyers could up the ante like an Ebay auction.

“If you want to make sure you get this house,” Adam said frankly, “you better put in an Escalation Clause or at least not wait very long. These houses are going fast.”

I couldn’t believe my eyes or ears. Was this the same sluggish market we’ve all witnessed for the past two years? Were my son and daughter-in-law going to have to make a huge financial and emotional decision two hours after seeing the house for the first time?

While these were some of my thoughts, my attention soon turned to the twist in dynamics between the six of us. As we walked through the kitchens, turning on the faucets to make sure there was running water (as if the owners would turn the water off for the day!) opening and closing cabinet doors, even peering onto the owner’s bookshelves to catch a glimpse into the owner’s inner lives, we began forming opinions.

The conversation soon became livelier. Perhaps even heated.

“You didn’t like that kitchen? I thought it was to die for.”
“No, I didn’t care for the old cabinetry. It would definitely take work to fix up.”
“I hated the cramped feeling in the bedroom.”
“Oh, I loved the cozy feeling in the bedroom.”
“I hated that dining nook. Way too small.”
“Oh, that dining nook was so quaint.”
“The neighborhood is a not as nice as the other neighborhood.”
“Oh, but there will be lots of children in this neighborhood.”

Subtle at first, I noticed the change. Opinions, once sought and appreciated, now grew testy. Perspectives once offered for the point of view, became a bit controlling. I watched Tyson and Jordana’s eyes begin to scream OVERLOAD!

Undoubtedly you’ve had the same feeling. At one moment you’re enjoying conversation with a good friend, and then your friend starts opinionating—

--telling you how you ought to do something
--telling you why their way of doing things is better than your way
--telling you exactly what is wrong with your perspective

And then you start to fume. Since when did right and wrong become part of this conversation? Is there a right answer to whether or not I want to go back to school, buy a new car or move to another state? You begin to feel hemmed in by opinionating!

“How do I tell them I’ve had enough of their opinionating? How do I tell them I’m thankful for their thoughts, and value their insights, and certainly want their support, but I don’t want their opinions—especially the ones insensitive to my feelings on the matter?

Clearly this is a delicate matter. Scripture implores us that any truth-telling must be done in love, and we know love is never hurtful. Love does not dominate or humiliate. Love never overwhelms and controls.

Here are a few suggestions for sharing opinions with loved ones:

One, share opinions only when invited. Opinions are rarely valued when shared without invitation. Our loved ones are less likely to be in a receptive posture if information is shared without asking for it, or being offered, an invitation.

Two, share opinions gently. Never offer rigid, dogmatic points of view. Unless your loved one is preparing to engage in something illegal or immoral lighten up! State your opinion as a preference, and leave plenty of room for their position to be a preference as well.

Third, know when to shut up. Watch closely for cues suggesting your loved one has had enough. When their eyes begin circling in their head, that’s a pretty good clue they’ve reached information overload. When their responses become clipped and testy, they’re indicating—in their own way—they need to sort things out for themselves. If you continue to push your opinion, you’ll create hard feelings.

Fourth, respect and honor others’ opinions. We all have preferences. In the case of my son and daughter-in-law, some family preferred modern architecture to quaint; some preferred more space compared to cozy; some preferred neighborhood to quality of construction. It’s all a matter of perspective and preference.

Finally, embrace and enjoy others’ opinions. These differences become the spice of life. How drab our world would be if we only had blue and beige bungalows (my preference!) in quiet neighborhoods. If everywhere I looked was row after row of these very same bungalows, I’d jump on my sailboat and set sail for Mexico.

Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at http://TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency, rejection by your mate and affair-proofing your marriage.

Breaking Through the Barriers to Change

Dr. David Hawkins — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 21:30:59 GMT

“My husband keeps promising to change, but then he doesn’t. He keeps slipping back into the same old patterns, and I’m not sure what to do anymore.”

These were Kate’s opening words, an obviously dispirited young woman who came to see me recently for counseling.
“Tell me more,” I encouraged.

“We’re both Christians, but you wouldn’t know it by our behavior,” she said tearfully. “We act one way at church, and another way behind the scenes. People even come to us for counseling. I just don’t get why it’s so hard to act the way we know we should act.”

“So, how do you treat each other?” I asked.

“It’s embarrassing,” she said. “We can scream and swear like the best of them. We get so frustrated with each other. We’ve even gotten to the point of yelling in front of our kids. I hate it.”

My heart went out to Kate. I could imagine being in her shoes, and talk to couples every day desiring to behave one way, but act entirely different. Then they felt tremendous guilt and remorse over their actions.

I assured Kate she was perfectly normal. We can be fooled into thinking there are “perfect Christians” out there, and then compare ourselves unfavorably. Then we slip into feeling even worse about ourselves.

Even the Apostle Paul acted in ways that were contrary to his values. He said, “That which I want to do, I do not do.” (Romans 7: 15) Clearly he was frustrated with himself.

However, we don’t have to stop there. Just because we’re “normal” doesn’t mean we should settle for behaviors that erode our marriages and self-esteem. Behaving contrary to our values does little to enhance our integrity, testimony and relationships. How do we go about changing entrenched patterns of behavior?

Change demands a lot from us. It requires breaking out of established patterns that inevitably lead to marriage crises. It requires letting go of old ways of seeing things and abandoning failed methods of dealing with problems. We must be willing to face the truth about our problems. Shortcuts and quick fixes don’t work. Real change involves real commitment, effort and engagement.

Practical tools for breaking through your barriers to change include the following:

One, change begins with me. Although it’s tempting to focus on what your mate is doing wrong, this only leads to wheel-spinning. Focusing on your mate prevents you from moving forward. Traction in solving your problems comes from looking in the mirror for ways to change.

Two, begin to own your stuff. Owning your stuff means recognizing that you’ve created the mess you’re in. It doesn’t work to hide behind the belief that the problem is somewhere “out there,” rather than somewhere “in here.” The only person you can change is you, and the only stuff you can really work on is the stuff you bring to the table.

Third, change means knowing precisely what it is you’re going to do to bring about the transformation. Vague goals and lofty dreams are just that—vague and lofty. A concrete plan for change is essential. Precisely what are you going to change, and how will you know if you’ve been successful? Who’s going to hold you accountable for this change? Breaking through the barriers means establishing practical steps you are willing to take to become the person God and your mate want you to be.

Fourth, change requires humility. Humility comes from the Latin word humilis, meaning low, humble, of earth. We’ll never be honest with ourselves about changes we must make while maintaining a pretentious attitude. The Twelve Step program of Alcoholics Anonymous promotes taking a moral inventory of how we’ve hurt others with our behavior. Considering how our actions have affected our mate is a great way to begin the process of change.

Fifth, change requires commitment. Because none of us are perfect, and because we have an incredible tendency to shift back into our familiar misery, we must commit ourselves to trying, again and again. We cannot allow ourselves to wallow in discouragement, nor can we afford to take half-measures when it comes to change. We must count the cost and then commit ourselves to action.

Another critical element that fuels commitment is our heartfelt belief that the path we’re taking is the right one for us. Any efforts coming from external motivations are likely to fail, while efforts made from a deep conviction are likely to be sustained.

Finally, change requires reliance upon God. Who among us hasn’t vowed to change under our own steam, only to drop in our tracks halfway through the race? We need the transforming power of God in order to really be honest with ourselves about our shortcomings and to sustain the effort needed to really change.

Dr. Chris Thurman sets us straight on the power of the ego to make these lasting changes: “Personal power, as much as it gets held in high esteem in our culture, isn’t enough to bring about deep, lasting change.” The true source of power for lasting change comes from God.

Consider the words of King David as he faced the transforming power of God’s love in the human heart:

“I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. Against you, and you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge.” (Psalm 51:3)

Breaking the barriers of change begins and ends with truth in our inner parts—and allowing God to transform us.
Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency, rejection by your mate and affair-proofing your marriage.

Monkey See, Monkey Do

Dr. David Hawkins — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 21:08:05 GMT

“I can’t believe myself,” Kara said angrily. “When my husband snaps at me, I snap right back. I know better, but I get sucked in even when I know it’s happening.”

“And that surprises you?” I asked smiling. “Emotions are contagious! We tend to mimic whatever our mate is doing. It’s a natural law of human behavior.”

“But, we’ve talked about this,” she said, referring to counseling sessions when we talked about watching out for defensive behavior. “I just hate being so reactive,” Kara continued. “Are you saying I have no control over what I say or do?”

“Of course not, Kara,” I said. “It just means you must be much more conscientious about what is happening around you.

You’ll have to pay even closer attention to what Steve (her husband) is doing. You must pay attention to what he says, how you react to it, and develop alternate ways of responding.”

“Arggh,” Kara blurted. “This is no fun!”

“Learning not to react to others isn’t any fun,” I admitted. “It’s work. Lots of work. But really worth the effort.”

I let my words sink in before continuing.

“Have you heard the notion of ‘responding rather than reacting?’ ” I asked.

“I’ve heard the phrase, but I’m not really clear about what it means.” “Well, when we don’t pay close attention to how we are being impacted by those around us, we tend to act like them. If others around us are sarcastic and biting, it’s easy for us to slip into being sarcastic and biting as well. If your husband is critical toward you, it will be tempting to be critical back. Do you see what I mean?”

“Yes, that really fits what happens in our marriage. I know when he’s cranky and treats me badly, I want to do the same to him.”

“Exactly,” I said. “Monkey see, monkey do.”

Kara’s conversation was similar to an email I received recently from a young man, already frustrated in his marriage.

Dear Dr. David. I feel like I’m a bad character in a bad movie. I watch myself say something rude to my wife. Of course she responds back with something just as rude, and then I say something hurtful to her. We end up yelling at each other and threatening divorce.

I don’t want to give up on my marriage, but I can’t seem to break out of bad habits. My wife can’t seem to do much better. What hope do we have for real, quality change? Help.

Doing what we wish we wouldn’t do has been our problem since the beginning of time. We are creatures of bad habits. We mimic the bad behavior we learned from our parents, our siblings, other children on the playground, and from society in general. Still, we are called to rise above these troubling habits. How can this be done?

First, we must be aware of what we are doing. Pay attention. Take note of the troubling patterns in your marriage.

Thankfully, “if it’s predictable, it’s preventable.” Make a note of what topics “hook” you, and how you tend to respond.

Second, consider why you tend to over-react to certain situations. What “button” does your mate push? Do you have issues with feeling adequate? Do you take pride in being ‘perfect’? Do their comments remind you of earlier events in your family of origin? Sometimes understanding the origins of your feelings help take some of the voltage out of the current situation.

Third, make an agreement with your mate about the troubling patterns, enlisting them in helping you change. Don’t make any accusations, but rather ask them to help you respond in a different way. For example, if you tend to react when your mate criticizes you, ask them to make a statement as to exactly what they want from you, rather than criticize you. Let them know you are trying to change and need their help.

Finally, develop and practice an alternate response. If your typical response is to get defensive and attack, practice an alternate behavior. You may want to ask your mate for more information, rather than reacting. You may want to agree to part of what they’re saying. You may want to simply listen, waiting for a few moments before responding.

Remember, practice, practice, practice. Experiment, being aware of how each changed behavior works for you. When one behavior doesn’t work, try another. Let me know how it works for you.

Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at mailto:TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency, rejection by your mate and affair-proofing your marriage.