Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Simply put, Karen was tired. She had lost hope that Darin would change. She had lost hope that he would become interested in her life. She wanted someone who would not only care about her life, but would champion her desires and goals. She didn’t want to beg him to read the books on improving their communication. She wanted him to seek out those books on his own and take initiative to change.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Researchers are clear—when contempt and acrimony flood a relationship, a physical or emotional separation is not far behind. This research isn’t based on rocket science, but rather practical principles, as well as Biblical truths, that we cannot abuse each other without severe ramifications.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Thankfully, our relationships don’t need to be driven by our brain stems. Put another way, we can think through how we want to respond to confrontation. In fact, with a little forethought we can manage how someone talks to us after we have been confronted.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
It has always been uncomfortable to admit to shortcomings. Rarely do we like our faults pointed out to us. Few feel strong or secure enough to allow someone to speak truth into their lives. It is far easier, and much more comfortable, to sit with the mistaken belief that we are somehow on the higher moral road, and our mate is on the lower one. Sadly, this mistake keeps us stuck, both relationally and as individuals.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Having worked in a drug and alcohol treatment facility, I’ve seen first-hand the devastation that occurs in the life of the drug user (as well as alcohol) and to the lives of the husbands/ wives and families as well. The repercussions are far-reaching. Finances are ruined, trust betrayed, and safety sabotaged. Let me remind you of the few things you can do to cope with this silent killer. Armed with accurate information, you can make good choices for yourself and your family.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Having just spent several days in Tennessee, we watched broadcasts of cities being flooded with unseasonal rains. Many panicked as their homes were besieged with water. I felt immediate empathy, having been a victim of flooding myself. This literal flooding reminded me of another kind of flooding that takes place —emotional flooding. When our brains are overwhelmed with too many emotions, in a short period of time, they are unable to process information accurately, leading to something I call wi
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
We were huddled together outside an adorable bungalow in a quaint neighborhood in Seattle. Invited to participate in several “walk-throughs,” there was an air of excitement about which home my son, Tyson and daughter-in-law Jordana, would choose to make an offer on. Their first home out of med school, with crackerjack houses costing more than many earn in a decade, this was a BIG decision. Excitement comingling with anxiety created a bit of tension.
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
Change demands a lot from us. It requires breaking out of established patterns that inevitably lead to marriage crises. It requires letting go of old ways of seeing things and abandoning failed methods of dealing with problems. We must be willing to face the truth about our problems. Shortcuts and quick fixes don’t work. Real change involves real commitment, effort and engagement.
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
Doing what we wish we wouldn’t do has been our problem since the beginning of time. We are creatures of bad habits. We mimic the bad behavior we learned from our parents, our siblings, other children on the playground, and from society in general. Still, we are called to rise above these troubling habits. How can this be done?
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
“Every time we talk about his parents, things get very hot,” Sharla said during a recent counseling session. “Gary gets defensive and then we spend the next hour fighting.”
“Is that how you see things?” I asked her husband.
“Oh yeah,” he said emphatically. “Sharla attacks my parents and of course I defend them. I don’t know why she has to talk about them the way she does. I love them and I’ll continue to defend them every time.”
Barely waiting for Gary to finish his sentence, Sharla jumped in.
“But what about the way they treat me? What about how your mother walks into the room and heads straight over to you without even acknowledging I’m there. What about that?”
“I’ve never seen her do that!” Gary snapped.
“Folks,” I said. Looking over at Gary I continued. “I’m hearing your parents are a hot topic in your marriage.”
“Are you kidding?” Gary said, staring at me. “We can never talk about them without having a fight. They aren’t our only hot topic, but they are one of the hottest.”
With that I proceeded to talk to Gary and Sharla about ‘flashpoints’ in marriage—how every couple has topics that have more voltage than other ones. Given that voltage, and the possibility for getting ‘amped’ and upset, couples must learn how to manage ‘flashpoints.’ They must agree on boundaries for how they will deal with these challenging topics.
The conversation with Gary and Sharla reminded me of an email I received recently:
Dear Dr. David. Every time my wife and I talk about touchy subjects we end up in a fight. She accuses me of attacking her, but it’s gotten to the point where I tiptoe around her. I’m afraid to even talk about certain issues for fear she might go ballistic. It seems like we can’t talk about anything heated without there being an eruption. Why do certain topics have to end up in a fight? I’m wondering if there are any suggestions you have that might help us deal with touchy topics.
Every couple has topics that are more upsetting than others for a variety of reasons. Some of these reasons can be explained by someone’s past, while other reasons may lay in the history of that couple. Regardless, there are tools couples can practice that will help them deal with touchy topics—‘flashpoints’—effectively. Try these with topics that always seem to lead to a fiery eruption.
First, agree upon topics that are ‘flashpoints.’ Sit down and isolate those topics that have more voltage than others. Agree to treat those topics more carefully than others. Agree that these topics bring out more heat than others, and as such, lead to defensiveness, argumentativeness and the potential for greater conflict.
Second, agree to treat these ‘flashpoints’ more carefully than others. Knowing that there are topics that are potentially explosive, it only makes sense to respect their volatility. Much like holding a canister of explosive material, you’ll want to treat these topics much the same way. Agree that you will only talk about these topics at agreed upon times, in agreed upon places, with agreed upon rules of engagement.
Third, agree upon these additional rules of engagement: you will talk caringly to each other. There is no place for judgmental or critical comments. Labeling your mate is forbidden, as well as ridiculing your mate for any perceived wrong. Sarcasm or put-downs are absolutely off limits. Speaking respectfully about the issue at hand, and agreeing to focus on the solution are critical. Seek cooperation with one another, not conflict.
Fourth, manage your anger and avoid ‘flashpoints’ when possible. Of course the best way to avoid ‘flashpoints’ is to keep your anger in check, control your emotions and resolve issues. Managing a fire after it is started is much more difficult than anticipating the potential for a fire and warding off dangers. Scripture tells us to “not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared.” (Proverbs 22: 24)
Finally, agree upon a time limit, and way to end the discussion. Just as you are careful in how you begin talking about these ‘flashpoints,’ agree to manage your points of contact and know how you will end the discussion. Keep an eye on the temperature, leaving room in your discussion for a ‘time-out’ if things get too hot. If a time-out is called, agree when you will call time-in.
I am curious as to how you and your mate handle ‘flashpoints.’ Share your opinion or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency, rejection by your mate and affair-proofing your marriage.