Tuesday, June 30, 2009
“You just don’t’ understand!” Lisa said to her husband Phil during a recent counseling session.
“I don’t want you to offer solutions to my problems,” she continued, her voice shrill with exasperation. “I want you to really understand why I feel the way I do, and validate my feelings.”
“I thought I did that!” Phil replied, obviously frustrated. “I told you I was listening to you. I even told you I understood what you were saying. What more do you want?”
“I want you to tell me you get what I am saying. I’d like you to add your thoughts to what I’m saying, empathizing with me. I need to feel like we’re on the same page, and much of the time I don’t feel that. It makes me feel a million miles away from you.”
“Is that why things are so cold in the bedroom?” Phil asked sarcastically.
“Could be, Phil,” Lisa said dryly. “Sure could be.”
Their conversation was sounding much like ones I hear nearly every day in my counseling practice. Couples sitting across from each other, feeling angry, resentful and misunderstood, wondering why their marriage is falling apart.
I shared a powerful truth with Phil and Lisa—the same one I share with every couple coming to see me for marriage counseling: the most powerful connection you can make is what I call attunement—the ability to speak the same language as your mate. Attunement fuels emotional intimacy and creates an incredibly powerful connection. When we are attuned to each other, we understand where the other is coming from spiritually, emotionally, even behaviorally. We ask questions to understand our mates better. We seek to understand why they think the way they think and do the things they do, and we’re able to communicate that understanding effectively.
Consider this recent email from a woman sharing her lack of attunement with her husband.
Dear Dr. David. I am so frustrated. My husband is a nice guy, but he’s so passive. He says he is listening to me, but adds little to the conversation. He says he understands when I talk, but offers nothing to me. I ask him to empathize with me and he stares at me like I’ve got three heads. I explain to him what it means to validate my feelings and thirty seconds later he’s forgotten what I said. That’s on a good day. On a bad day he gets angry when I ask him to show he understands my feelings. He truly doesn’t seem to get it. I don’t want to talk down to him, but he seems more interested in his job and his sports teams and could care less about what makes me tick. Then he gets angry when I don’t feel amorous toward him.
I know that I speak for thousands of women who want a man to talk to us like our girlfriends do. It’s not that we want him to be a woman, but is it too much to ask to have them truly listen to us? Sometimes I get so discouraged and think I’m just asking for too much. Help!!
---Lonely
Dear Lonely,
You’re not asking for too much. While your husband may be like many men, that is no excuse for not learning the language of love. Scripture teaches that we should treasure our mate, and offer attention to the things (people) important to us. We crave understanding, and to be understood is the basis for real communication.
So, what can you do about this? I’ll offer a few suggestions.
First, men need encouragement, not criticism. The quickest way to send a man running is to criticize him for what he’s not doing, rather than encourage him to become better at what you’d like from him. So, throw away the criticism and choose to communicate positive requests.
Second, most men must be taught about attunement. It should be no surprise that most men, and many women, don’t learn this naturally. Few families encourage the expression of feelings, empathizing with each other and listening carefully to one another. This is a foreign language to most, and learning it is like learning a new language.
Third, since this language is not learned automatically, you must sign up for language classes. That means enlisting your husband in the process of learning this new language of attunement—done through the use of self-help books, listening to sermons on communication and marriage, and finally, counseling. There is no better way to learn this new language than practicing it under the watchful eye of a relationship coach/ counselor.
Fourth, be specific. I mean, really specific. General requests are confusing to him. Don’t tell him you want him to listen—he’ll tell you he does. Don’t say you want more intimacy—he’ll tell you he is giving that already. Ask him to sit down with you and spend time talking. Ask him to practice listening to your feelings and sharing his. Ask him to ask you questions about your day and your concerns. When he responds to your specific requests, offer him encouragement.
Finally, practice, practice, practice. Perfect practice makes perfect! Find a counselor who will coach you and your husband on the fine art of attunement. Practice really listening to each other, paraphrasing what each says, empathizing with one another while creating a safe place for each other’s feelings. Doing this again and again will strengthen your marriage in every way and you will experience a strong and vibrant connection.
Please take these suggestions for connection and share them with your mate. Practice active listening, resonating with each other’s feelings. Let us know how these ideas help you, or other ideas you’ve tried that have had a positive impact. Share your opinion or send a confidential note to me at mailto:TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency, rejection by your mate and affair-proofing your marriage.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
The brain is an incredible organ, made up of billions of neurons and capable of profound problem-solving abilities. It is profoundly instrumental in relating as well.
While the entire brain is necessary for full functioning, the frontal lobe plays a critical role in one aspect of relating. I call it frontal lobe relating. The frontal lobe is instrumental for what is called executive functioning—planning, organizing, and even anticipating problems. We use our frontal lobe when we map out our day, considering the tasks we need to accomplish and strategizing about how we might accomplish them.
What does this have to do with relationships, you ask? Well, consider the following email, and then let’s look at the role the frontal lobe could play in eliminating this problem.
Dear Dr. David,
My husband seems to take little interest in my life. Don’t get me wrong. He’s nice enough, and is actually a gentle man. But, he doesn’t remember my birthday or our anniversary, forgets important aspects of my life, and doesn’t seem to take me into consideration. He is really a smart man and his forgetfulness and lack of consideration are confusing to me. How can such a bright man not show concern about me, even after I’ve made it clear I need him to think about me? We’ve gotten in many fights about this, and each time he gives the same excuse—he forgot. He tells me not to take it personally, but that’s impossible. How can I not take it personally when he forgets to buy me a simple gift for my birthday? How do I not take it personally when he “forgets” to pick up after himself, or even ask about my day?
So, do you have any suggestions? Why do there seem to be so many men who can do very well on the job, and be so careless at home in their marriage? I’d love to hear how you explain this behavior.
You are certainly in good company, as there are many who feel taken for granted by their mates. It is no fun to be married to someone who doesn’t take seriously those issues serious to you.
There are actually several plausible explanations for this man’s inconsideration. Let’s explore each briefly.
First, he may simply be thoughtless. He may not have really decided to be a thoughtful, considerate person. While he may be dedicated to being great on the job, he may never have decided to be a great husband. This, sadly, is true of many men. They put their best efforts into making a lot of money, but never apply the same energies to being a fantastic husband. This, in fact, is the most likely issue.
If this man really decided to be a great husband, he would apply his frontal lobe/ executive functioning abilities to the task of being a great husband. He would remind himself of what is important to his wife. He would feel sad when he hurts his wife. He would plan ahead for her birthday and their anniversary. He would apply himself to the task of great husbanding in the same way he applies himself to being a good worker on the job.
Second, he may be absent-minded, with a tendency to see “the big picture,” and miss the details of life. There are many who are “big picture” people, tending to be open-minded, non-detail oriented. These individuals have more trouble planning their lives, and in fact resist being boxed in by plans. They prefer to “float” and dislike the regimented life that often comes with mapping out one’s life.
The frontal lobe is needed for a solution. These individuals need to carry their mate around with them in their minds, planning out special occasions, anticipating their mate’s needs. While this may never come naturally, it may be required for a healthy marriage.
Finally, there are disorders that impact one’s ability to maintain focus. We now know that there are adults that have Attention Deficit Disorder, as well as other biochemical/ neurological issues that can impact focus and attention. It is best to have a thorough medical exam to rule out remediable issues impacting abilities to sustain focus, attention and planning, as well as the possibility of medications that can help.
Regardless of the reason for not focusing on your mate, it is your mate’s responsibility to seek solutions. Marriage demands that we value our mate, prizing what they prize and honoring what they honor. When we agreed to marry, we agreed to “defer to one another in love.” This is a weighty, but rewarding responsibility. Let’s agree to carry our mate on our frontal lobe, thinking about them throughout the day, anticipating their needs and concerns, and being determined to help them be as happy as they can possibly be with us.
Do you feel taken for granted? I’d love to hear from you. Let us know how these ideas help you, or other ideas you’ve tried that have had a positive impact. Share your opinion or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency, rejection by your mate and affair-proofing your marriage as well.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
If you haven’t noticed, men and women are very different. We are quite obviously different in how we look, how we think and how we behave as well. We’re different in how we problem-solve, how we deal with emotions, and very different in how we approach intimacy.
This difference is very pronounced in the sexual arena. While this is a generalization, men are typically like microwaves sexually—ready for love-making at a moment’s notice---“instant on.” Women, on the other hand, need to be “warmed up slowly”—not unlike a crockpot. Those who fail to understand that difference, and respect it, are destined for serious problems.
A woman recently sent me the following note:
Dear Dr. David.
My husband and I are both devoted Christians. I long for us to pray together every day --even just five minutes to connect and pray for each other, our children, etc. He won't do it. Over the years, I have respectfully expressed my desire and need for this --how it affects me deeply on spiritual, mental, emotional, and even sexual levels. I have tried different appeals such as a word picture of this being like motor oil and gas for my engine--it's that important. Not praying together leaves me feeling unsupported, unprotected, twisting in the wind alone.
At the same time, my husband wants sex a few times a week. It is challenging for me to respond many times, because 'my engine has no oil or gas,' but most of the time I try. He wakes me in the night for sex, which sends me into an emotional tumble. He rolls over and goes to sleep and I lie awake for the next couple of hours and the following day I’m in shambles because I'm exhausted and unable to function well. I have appealed to him that sex is important for a marriage, but praying together is just as important for our marriage. "What if we had sex only as often as we prayed together?” Help, please. This ongoing issue never stops deeply wounding me!
--Need emotional intimacy
Your concern, of course, is not new. Many women feel unprotected and angry when they lack emotional intimacy, which feels like a requirement for sexual intimacy. Prayer is certainly a critical way for men and women to connect, and I’m not surprised you need this emotional/ spiritual intimacy to move into the sexual arena. Without this emotional/ spiritual connection, you feel taken advantage of sexually.
On the other hand, it is unlikely that your husband intends to take advantage of you. Men and women are wired differently, and we must appreciate those differences. Since we are so different, what are some answers?
First, both men and women need to understand and respect differences. God made us different, and we must understand this. Failure to really appreciate these differences leaves us angry and misunderstood. When we understand how men/ women have been created, we’re far less likely to take their actions personally.
For men, that means we must guard against feeling punished when women share their need for emotional intimacy before sexual intimacy. For women it means not taking it personally when men get aroused regardless of the emotional climate in the marriage.
Second, men and women must navigate these differences effectively. Understanding these differences, men and women still must learn to cooperate with each other. Women must understand the importance of sexual intimacy to a man, and men must understand that women can only respond sexually when the relationship receives the attention it deserves. Spiritual intimacy is a wonderful way to connect to our mates, and will often lead to closer emotional and physical intimacy.
Third, we can help our mate be the person we desire for healthy sexual responding. Women can help men meet their needs by making their needs clear. Men cannot read women’s minds, and it is unfair to expect them to do so. Men need ongoing reminders about the importance of emotional intimacy for sexual well-being. State your needs with words of encouragement, as opposed to criticism, as men are likely to respond much more effectively when encouraged to be engaged emotionally in marriage.
Men can help their mate respond by creating an atmosphere of emotional safety. By being engaged with her spiritually, you create a safe environment for her to respond sexually. By letting her know you desire her emotionally and spiritually, you let her know her complete value—not simply a sexual object.
In summary, there is no right way to behave sexually---crockpots and microwaves are both okay. We have been wired to respond a certain way, but can grow beyond natural tendencies. We can love our mates the way Scripture illustrates—“deferring (sacrificially) to one another in love.” (Ephesians 5: 21)
Do you struggle to speak the same sexual language? Are you open with each other about your expectations? I’d love to hear from you. Share what has worked in creating an open, vibrant emotional and sexual relationship. Share your opinion or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency, rejection by your mate and affair-proofing your marriage as well.
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
“I think so, but I haven’t really pushed it,” she said. “I wanted to come first to make sure it’s not me. I want to know that what I want is reasonable. Is it reasonable to want these things on my list?”
“Absolutely,” I said. “Marriage should be a place of safety, where we are free to share our feelings, thoughts and desires. We should be able to laugh and love freely. Your friends have discovered something and have held onto it. It can be yours again as well.”
“What do we do?” Debra asked.
“You’ve already done much of the hard work,” I said smiling. “You’ve come out of denial and recognized the kettle is getting very warm. There’s still time to have an honest conversation with your husband. You can invite him into this counseling process where we work on changing the temperature in your home.”
“So, what next?”
Here are a few of the things I talked to Debra about, which she went home and shared with her husband.
First, take inventory. God gives us wisdom so we can make good decisions. Prayerfully take stock of your marriage. What are your strengths and weaknesses? Compare your marriage to Debra’s list. How do you fare?
Second, make a note of the areas of your marriage needing improvement. Candidly review your marriage. What are areas of strength? What do you do well? What are areas of weakness? Share your points of view with each other, and make a habit of routinely asking each other how they feel about the marriage.
Third, make a plan for ways to enhance areas of strength, and improve areas of weakness. Don’t be afraid to seek counseling to improve areas of weakness. It is often very difficult to have a clear perspective on our own problems, and a trained counselor can be invaluable.
Finally, commit everything to prayer. Scripture advises us, “Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain.” (Psalm 127: 1) We cannot rebuild our marriages, or even refurbish them, without wisdom and guidance from God. We are prone to be like Debra, who spent years in her marriage believing it as ‘normal,’ when in fact there were many areas needing improvement. With prayer and honesty, you’ll discover areas in your marriage that can be strengthened.
Has the water gotten slowly warmer in your marriage? Perhaps it’s time to come out of denial and take inventory of the areas needing improvement. Please write to me and let me know what you discover. Share your opinion or send a confidential note to me at mailto:TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency, rejection by your mate and affair-proofing your marriage as well.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
“I don’t understand a word you’re saying,” Jim said to his wife, Darcy during a recent counseling session. Out of frustration, and fear, she had been talking passionately for the past several minutes, and I could see Jim’s eyes circling in the back of his head.
Jim and Darcy had been married only five years, but already their attempts at clear communication were failing. Darcy tended to repeat herself, escalating with frustration as Jim “didn’t get it.” Each time he failed to empathize accurately with her feelings, and ask again in exasperation what she was trying to say, she would raise her voice and become even more impatient.
“I don’t know why you can’t understand me?” she asked. “I’m telling you exactly what I mean. I don’t think you want to understand me.”
“Hold it,” I said, jumping into the middle of their attempts at communication. “It’s fair to tell Jim that you don’t feel understood, but not fair to question his motives.”
Darcy looked at my in puzzlement.
“I don’t think he wants to understand. If he did, he’d get it.”
“Not necessarily,” I said. “You’re questioning his motives, and that violates a boundary. He may be trying as hard as he can to understand you.”
“That’s true,” Jim piped in. “And I hate it when she tells me what I’m thinking or why I’m doing what I’m doing.”
“So, Darcy,” I continued. “Let’s try this again, and this time, simply make your point, keep it succinct, and let’s see if Jim can empathize. But, let’s make sure we’re all calm and careful before we begin.”
Darcy gave a big sigh. Jim stretched his hands in the air and let out a big breath. I smiled.
Surely you can empathize with Jim and Darcy’s feelings of frustration. No matter the topic, anything can set a conversation in the wrong direction. A little passion, a dose of confusion, along with an expectation that “it shouldn’t be this hard,” and you have all the makings for conflict.
Given that communication can be very difficult, and even the smallest issues can ignite a huge flame, let’s consider this recipe for healthy communication.
First, stay calm. The moment we begin to feel frustrated or angry, we often begin to escalate the conversation. We stop listening and push even harder to make our point. The listener, of course, feels this push and becomes defensive, putting up another roadblock to communication. The Scriptures tell us “A gentle answer turns away wrath.” (Proverbs 15: 1)
Second, go slowly. The more heated the topic, the slower you should go. Take it easy, agreeing ahead of time to process the issue slowly and deliberately. Recognize that a hot topic can move from calm to catastrophe in a heartbeat.
Third, don’t try to be a mind-reader. Don’t guess at what you’re mate is saying or why they’re saying it. Don’t tell them what they mean, or even what they’ve said. Honor their words and let them know what you hear them saying.
Fourth, practice paraphrasing to ensure you understand what your mate is saying. Ask questions to gain clarity. Make sure you completely understand your mate before inserting your opinion. Ask that your point of view be recognized and honored as well.
Fifth, don’t try to coerce your mate into agreeing with you. There is room in your marriage for differing opinions. Trying to change your mate’s mind will always escalate the conflict. Allowing room for opposing points of view retains individuality.
Sixth, recognize that understanding and clarity usually dissolve conflict. When we really understand where our mate is coming from, and why they feel the way they do, as well as giving up any need to change their mind, conflict dissolves.
Finally, work together as a team to solve the problem. Don’t slip into trying to be “right” or “win the argument.” When you fully understand each other—and not a moment before—seek a solution that works for both. Remember that if you win an argument, you still lose. Find a solution that works for both of you.
I’d love to hear how these tools, which I teach to couples, work for you. Please write to me and let me know the results of these new skills. Share your opinion or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency, rejection by your mate and affair-proofing your marriage as well.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
“I’m not sure I want to keep working on this marriage,” Chelsea told me during our counseling session. I was meeting her alone after a particularly difficult couple’s counseling session.
Married for nearly twenty-five years, Chelsea had felt disconnected from her husband, Chad, for at least the past ten years.
“I look back on our marriage, and all I see is a lot of selfishness on his part,” she said sadly. “I wonder, in fact, if I ever loved him, or if he ever really loved me. I’m so mad and hurt now, it’s hard to even come to couple’s counseling.”
“I hear this from a lot of women,” I told Chelsea. “Many women have tolerated poor marriages for years. Then once the kids are grown, they begin looking more closely at their marriage and become very discouraged.”
“That’s me,” she said softly. “I look at him and nearly everything he says bugs me. All I see is a self-centered man. I’m not convinced he cares at all about me.”
“But what about the fact that he’s coming to counseling?” I said, trying to help her see a broader perspective. “He seems genuinely concerned about the marriage now!”
“But why is he coming?” Chelsea said angrily. “He knows I’ve got one foot out the door. I think he just doesn’t want it to like he did something to make his marriage fail. He’s not really interested in me.”
Chelsea paused, and then added a few more sentences.
“I know I shouldn’t feel this way. I should believe God can change anyone. But, I can’t help how much doubt and discouragement I feel.”
“You know Chelsea. I think God is big enough to understand your doubt and discouragement, and quite honestly, those feelings make sense to me. You’ve apparently lived a long time without change, and have tried to make it all okay. It’s not okay, and it’s now catching up with you.”
“So, what do we do now,” Chelsea said passively. “How can anything change when I’m so discouraged?”
Chelsea raised a great question—one I hear nearly every day from women, and men, across the country. How do they deal effectively with profound discouragement and doubt? How do they talk themselves into working on a marriage they feel is dead? How can they be around someone they’ve grown to thoroughly dislike? These are very challenging questions, with no easy answers. I have a few thoughts and welcome your interaction on the subject.
First, you must honor your feelings. There is no value in telling yourself you “should” feel differently. You feel what you feel, and that must be your starting place. Anyone giving you “quick and easy” ways to dispel discouragement probably hasn’t walked a mile in your shoes.
Second, take care of yourself. Don’t push yourself to do more counseling than you are prepared to do. If you need a break from counseling, or him, then take it. If you need a day away at the beach to clear your mind, take it. If a relaxing walk on the beach or in the hills will help refresh you, do it. You will not be able to do good counseling from a perspective of false guilt and legalism.
Third, take inventory of your resentment. Make a list of the issues. Resentment is a natural emotion, offering valuable information. Consider what you resent, why you resent it, and consider actions that can be taken. For example, if you bristle when he fails to listen accurately to what you say, take note of it. This needs attentive healing. If you become angry when he fails to pull his share of the weight in the marriage, take note. Something needs to change. Action is almost a certain healing agent for marriages in trouble.
Four, insist on work to change those areas of difficulty. Issues will not resolve themselves, nor will simple fixes repair deep and lasting problems. Emotional cancer is not healed by three or four, hour-long counseling sessions. Insist on depth work to experience depth healing. Find a clinician who knows about serious marriage issues, and is willing to push for depth change.
Finally, take note of the progress. Don’t live in the past and on past hurtful memories. This will create even more discouragement and even depression. Create a new future, with new memories. Notice when he (or she) does things differently, when change actually begins to happen. Allow yourself to notice the ‘one degree changes’ that add up. A little progress actually adds up and can feel quite wonderful.
In all things, we need to trust the Lord for wisdom and guidance. Left to our own strengths, we’re sure to falter. But, using wisdom from God, we can make sound decisions.
I’d love to hear how these tools, which I teach to couples, work for you. Please write to me and let me know the results of these new skills. Share your opinion or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency, rejection by your mate and affair-proofing your marriage as well.
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
“He just doesn’t understand me,” Darcy complained during a recent couples’ counseling session. “He never has really understood me, and that’s partly why we’re in the shape we’re in.”
Daniel noticeably bristled at her words.
Looking at her husband, Darcy continued.
“If you understood how deeply you hurt me, you wouldn’t keep doing the things you agree not to do.”
“Do you know how hard it is to be nice to you,” Daniel complained, “when it seems like you’re always angry with me?”
Daniel looked worn and tired. I looked over at Darcy, who now was crying and looking away. She had asked Daniel for a separation two months earlier, and was now participating in a Marriage Intensive to see if there was a way to rebuild their troubled marriage. She had come reluctantly, discouraged and depressed.
“I am always angry,” Darcy said emphatically. “I guess I shouldn’t be. I guess maybe I expect too much. I guess maybe I’m bad for feeling the way I feel.”
Daniel said nothing.
“You’re not wrong to feel angry,” I reassured Darcy. “However, we need to find ways to express your anger in constructive ways.” Looking at Daniel I added, “And you’ve got to keep your word so that she isn’t always angry with you.”
“That’s the thing,” Darcy said. “If he would do the things we’ve agreed on in counseling in the past, I could regain respect for him. But, I don’t think he takes me seriously, and that hurts.”
Darcy shared more about their history of Daniel making promises to read books on communication and failing to do so. He had promised to remain in counseling, but dropped out prematurely. He had promised to be a more involved father, but remained detached and irresponsible. All of these broken promises broke Darcy’s heart, leading to her ultimately telling him to leave.
Daniel, on the other hand, didn’t understand the severity of the situation. While he agreed that he hadn’t kept these promises, he was shocked and discouraged that these broken promises led to their separation. He felt that Darcy exaggerated their promises, and offered myriad explanations for why the promises hadn’t been kept. He felt hurt and betrayed that she chose to separate. He feared that she would lower the final hammer—asking for a divorce.
Is there hope for Daniel and Darcy? Yes. How do they begin to piece their marriage back together? Many allow their marriage to deteriorate, and then fitfully work at mending the many broken bridges—unsuccessfully.
What should Daniel and Darcy be working on to heal their marriage? Here are some beginning steps, which if taken will help heal their relationship.
First, no matter how hurt or angry, commit to speaking respectfully to each other. It is easy, when angry and hurt, to let your words become colored with sarcasm, disrespect and irritation. No one wants to be talked to disrespectfully. This only serves to push your mate further away, and certainly doesn’t cause them to want to be their best for you.
Second, practice the fine art of empathy. Few really take the time to understand their mate’s pain. Stop and take the time to really listen to your mate. Why are they hurting? What have you done to aggravate your situation? What is their point of need? Practice checking out your perception of what you think they are saying.
Third, listen more. Talk less, and listen more. Nothing feels so good to the soul as someone who cares enough to listen. We are encouraged in Scripture to “be quick to hear and slow to speak.” (James 1: 19) Allow your mates words to really sink in.
Fourth, commit to keeping agreements. Broken agreements are killers to a marriage. They suggest you don’t honor your mate enough to do what you say you will do. They suggest you don’t take your mate seriously, leaving them wondering how much you really care.
Five, be kind, compassionate and tenderhearted. Yes, this is our calling as Christians and as loving mates. “A soft word turns away wrath,” and is powerful medicine to a troubled relationship. A soft word will often draw your mate toward you, whereas a sarcastic or angry comment will push them away.
Finally, get professional help. When patterns become entrenched, it’s hard for us to see them, let alone change them. Find a trusted and skilled counselor who will point out patterns of interacting that need to be changed. Commit to going to counseling as long as needed to change those troubling patterns.
Do you find yourself in endless power struggles, or caught in the web of fighting over insignificant issues? Do you find yourself losing respect for your mate? Is your marriage in trouble and you’re not sure how to end destructive patterns? These patterns can be changed. In fact, “If it’s predictable, it’s preventable.”
I’d love to hear how these tools, which I teach to couples, work for you. Please write to me and let me know the results of these new skills. Share your opinion or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on codependency, rejection by your mate and affair-proofing your marriage as well.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
“I don’t know why you have to give me the silent treatment when you’re upset,” Chal said to his wife, Karen, during a recent counseling session.
Bristling from his criticism, she retaliated.
“Because, when you’re sarcastic with me, I’m not going to listen or talk to you. It’s as simple as that. Maybe you’ll get it that you can’t be sarcastic.”
“Seems pretty childish to me to be silent,” Chal snapped.
“You think you have room to talk?” Karen sniped back.
We had just begun our third counseling session. Their original complaint was “their marriage was in trouble.” It didn’t take long to see why they were in trouble, and what it would take for them to get out of trouble.
“Folks,” I said firmly. “Is this anything like how you talk to each other at home?”
“Yeah,” Chal said arrogantly. “She shuts me out and I hate it.”
“And he talks down to me, and I hate that,” Karen responded bitterly.
“So, I take that as a ‘yes,’ and that is part of the reason you’ve come to me for counseling?” I asked.
“I guess so,” Chal said. “I’m not sure what we’re doing, but this is what we do.”
“I want you both to step back for a moment and notice a couple of things. I have several observations:
First, you both seem to be acting as if you’re in a courtroom. You both issue critical comments about the other, blame the other for problems, and take little responsibility for your own behavior. I suspect you both feel unsafe, anticipating being criticized, and are both quick to retaliate.
Second, you both seem to avoid the sanctuary—a place you might feel safe to share your personal feelings, your intimate needs and what you want from your mate. I suspect you don’t feel safe being vulnerable with the other, and hence you both experience distance and rejection from the other.
“That sounds like us,” Karen said. “I don’t know about Chal, but I don’t feel safe sharing my feelings.”
“I guard my feelings pretty closely,” Chal said with a hint of sadness. “It wasn’t always this way, but it’s where things have gotten.”
“I’d like to replay your opening discussion utilizing some tools I’ve discovered along the way. Are you game?” I asked.
“Sure,” they both said with a bit of eagerness. Most couples want direction and are willing to try anything new that will bring closeness and renewed intimacy. I was excited to share this recipe with them.
“Okay,” I said, grabbing a piece of paper. “Here’s the recipe: first, I want you to share your feelings, followed by the need that gave rise to your feelings, followed by a request for a behavior change in the future. Let me offer an illustration.”
“Last week I came home an hour late, keeping my wife waiting and dinner growing cold.”
“Oh, oh,” Chal said smiling. “I’m guessing that didn’t go well.”
“Yes, and no,” I said. “Christie asked me to sit down and said to me: David, I feel irritated with you for coming home an hour late without calling. I have a need for respect and I felt disrespected. I ask that in the future you call me if you’re going to be late.”
“I felt a twinge of defensiveness at first,” I said, “but by Christie sharing her feelings, and the need she has, coupled with a request for the future, it was fairly easy for me to respond positively. Notice that she didn’t scold or blame me. She didn’t say anything to escalate the situation. She shared from her most vulnerable self, making it easier for me to respond positively.”
“Now you’re going to want us to try, right?” Chal said smiling.
“You got it,” I said. “Let’s give it a go. It may take some practice to get this, but you guys will be excited with the results.”
“Okay,” Chal said. “Here goes. Karen, I feel hurt when you give me the silent treatment.”
“Hold it, Chal,” I said. “Let’s not label her behavior. Can you simply describe what you noticed without judging it?”
“Sure. Okay, I feel hurt when you withdraw into silence, because I have a need for connection. In the future I ask you to share what you’re feeling and what you need, and if you have a need for space, you share with me that is what you’re doing.”
“What do you think, Karen?” I asked. “Can you respond with what you heard, and validate Chal’s feelings?”
“I think so,” Karen said haltingly. “I can see why you would feel hurt if I withdraw without talking to you. I don’t want to hurt you, so I’ll let you know what’s happening with me if I need some space.”
“Excellent you guys. Now Karen, do you want to give the feel, need, request recipe a shot?”
“Chal, I feel demeaned at the way you talk to me at times, because I have a need to be talked to with respect. I ask in the future that you talk respectfully to me and not talk disrespectfully.”
“Almost perfect,” I said. “Great start. I suggest stopping with the positive request, and not adding what you don’t want, and sticking with something positive that you do want in the future. Chal, can you respond with what you heard?”
“Sure. Karen, you feel demeaned when I’m sarcastic with you, because you have a need to be talked to respectfully. In the future you ask that I talk respectfully to you, or else you’re going to give me the silent treatment. Just kidding,” Chal said smiling. “I think I get this.”
“I like this new way of talking,” Karen said. “I’m not sure we’ll get it right the first time, but we can practice it.”
“Let me just summarize it again for you, though you guys did great. Here it is:
1. Share your feelings. A feeling statement must be followed by an emotion, not a judgement or interpretation of the other’s behaviors. “I feel hurt, angry, frustrated, belittled, or something like that.”
2. Share your personal need that gave rise to the feeling. I feel hurt by such and such behavior, because I have a need for such and such.
3. Share a positive request for the future. Keep it out of the past, or making a judgment about your mate’s behavior. Most of the time your mate is going to agree on the requested change.
4. Finally, notice how talking this way gets you out of combative, argumentative ‘courtroom’ actions and into ‘sanctuary’ conditions. You’ll love the results of talking to each other this way.
Do you find yourself slipping into power struggles with your mate, arguing over anything and everything? It is easy to slip into ‘courtroom’ behavior, when we’re anxious to feel safe and loved, relaxed by ‘sanctuary’ acceptance and vulnerability.
Don’t expect overnight success, but rather slow, gradual progress.
I’d love to hear how these tools, which I teach to couples, work for you. Please write to me and let me know the results of these new skills. Share your opinion or send a confidential note to me at mailto:TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on codependency, rejection by your mate and affair-proofing your marriage as well.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
“I don’t know what she expects from me,” Stan said angrily. “She keeps setting the bar higher, and I’ll never live up to her expectations.”
Stan’s wife, Cindy, shrugged her shoulders, turning away in frustration.
“He always says that,” she said firmly. “He should know that coming to two counseling sessions isn’t enough to save our marriage. It took us ten years to get to where we are now, and he expects that a couple of sessions should heal our relationship?”
“I’m not coming here for the next ten years,” Stan said with obvious irritation. “I said I would come a few times, and I’ve done that. I don’t see anything miraculous happening. It sure hasn’t changed you, so I don’t know that I want to spend my time doing this.”
“You see what I mean?” Cindy said, looking over at me. “It took an act of Congress to get him in the door, and I doubt he’ll be back. Then what will I do?”
“What did you expect from counseling?” I asked Stan. “You seem very reluctant to be here.”
“Look, Doc,” Stan began. “Nothing personal, but I don’t care for doctors. I don’t think we need this and the cost and time away from my work. It’s just not easy to attend these sessions. And, frankly, I hoped that a few hours of counseling would make a bigger difference.”
“I understand, Stan,” I said. “Many people don’t know what to expect from counseling. Then they come to a few sessions not sure of what to expect, and when something miraculous doesn’t take place, they drop out. It’s really too bad, because with the right therapist, wonderful changes can happen.”
“Hmm,” he said, clearly unimpressed.
“I’ve had good experiences in counseling,” Cindy said brightly. “Once several years ago I was depressed, and a psychologist really helped me get past that. I think you can help us too, but he’s got to give it a chance. I know an hour here and there won’t do us much good.”
“What exactly would you like to see changed?” I asked Stan.
“I don’t know,” he said slowly. “If you couldn’t tell, this really wasn’t my idea.”
“Yeah,” I said, smiling. “That didn’t escape me. But, you must have some idea of what you’d like to see changed. One of the ways for us to make progress is to have clear goals in mind. We have to work as a team. If we do that, we’ll have a better chance of you leaving satisfied.”
“I’ll think about it,” Stan said. “Maybe, if I decide to come back, I’ll have a better idea of what I’d like to have different. No commitment though.”
“How about you, Cindy?” I asked. “What do you want to see changed?”
“I’m sure I want more than Stan, and I’m willing to work with you more intensively so we get quicker and deeper results. I’d like to improve how we communicate with each other, and change the ways we deal with conflict. I want more intimacy. I want a healthier marriage.”
“See,” Stan said, finally beginning to warm up. “The list goes on and on.”
“It is quite a list, Stan,” I said. “But, the problems she’s referring to aren’t going away. If you don’t deal with them now, you’ll have to deal with them later. You can avoid these issues only so long. Make sense?”
“I suppose,” he said cautiously.
We continued to talk about counseling and the expectations both brought to the session. Clearly Cindy had given counseling more thought, and had an earlier positive experience to help her with a optimistic attitude. Stan wasn’t sure what to expect, and his lack of clarity created an additional obstacle to progress. It was going to be tough to motivate him to return.
Given the emails and phone calls I receive, many are confused about what to expect from counseling, how to approach the counseling process, and how to choose a professional. Here are some things to consider when considering seeking professional help:
1. What exactly do you want to accomplish? With clearer goals you’re more likely to achieve a positive outcome. A skilled clinician will help you define your therapeutic goals and discuss ways to achieve success. They should be able to give you assignments to perform to help you acquire the skills you need to be happier and healthier;
2. How acute are the problems? The more acute the situation, the sooner you need intervention. Time is of the essence for some problems. Putting off seeing a therapist aggravates many emotional problems;
3. How longstanding are the problems? If your problems are longstanding in nature, you’ll need longer and more extensive work. Character issues, for example, don’t change easily and require longer-term work. The deeper the issues, the more you need to prepare for depth work with a skilled clinician;
4. Am I willing to invest the required time and energy for the sought-after change? The greater your goals, the more extensive work is required. Adjustment issues are often improved with short-term therapy, while more entrenched patterns of troubled relating require more in-depth counseling. Dysfunctional patterns of relating may require more extensive and more frequent sessions. Work done outside the counseling office positively amplifies the work done in the counseling session;
5. Are my problems associated with my personality or adjustment to environmental issues, or are they associated with my primary relationship? Determining if the problems are with “me” or “us,” or a combination of both, is a critical decision to deciding what kind of counseling is needed. Some problems require individual counseling, while many relationship problems respond effectively to marriage counseling;
6. What kinds of services are available in my area? Unfortunately, you may have limitations in where and with whom you can seek services. Do your research to find out the qualifications of the counselors/ psychologists in your area, and what specialties they have. If you want someone who knows about children, seek a children’s therapist. If you need someone skilled in relationship counseling, seek a seasoned marriage counselor.
Are you confused about what kinds of services you need? I’m happy to answer questions about counseling and what might be helpful for you. We’d love to hear what has helped and what kinds of experiences have not been beneficial. Share your opinion or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find podcasts on codependency and affair-proofing your marriage as well.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
There’s nothing going on,” Tom said defensively. “She just wanted to know how I was doing,” he continued, talking about his recent email conversation with an ex-girlfriend.
“Nothing like that is innocent,” his wife, Sarah said angrily, pointing at her husband in disgust. “Why in the world would she contact you, and why in the world would you answer her? And what if I hadn’t discovered it on your computer?”
“I knew you’d be upset, and that’s why I didn’t tell you. I answered her because we were friends once and I think it’s rude to ignore someone.”
“That’s a bunch of bull,” Sarah replied, then turned to me asking, “What do you think? We don’t seem to be seeing this the same way, but I don’t want this woman in our lives.”
“What am I supposed to do?” Tom said, slumping in his chair like a whipped pup. “I can’t do anything to please you, so I’m not surprised this bugs you too.”
“Oh please,” she said, becoming more annoyed. “How would you feel if an old boyfriend of mine emailed me? I doubt you’d like it. Besides, the way our marriage is going, don’t you think I might feel a little threatened?”
Tom and Sarah had been married for five years before coming to see me for marriage problems, including this recent issue with broken trust. While Tom wasn’t open with his wife about his recent emails to a former girlfriend, he didn’t seem highly guilt-ridden about them either.
As I listened to Sarah’s anger and hurt over Tom’s secretive contact with his ex-girlfriend, I thought about the dozens of other situations I’ve faced in the past year with ex-boy and girlfriends. Countless couples have been in marital trouble because an “innocent friendship” was renewed. Why is this a problem and what should be done about it. Let’s consider the issues.
First, more often than not these friendships are begun secretively. Anything done in secret has the potential of being problematic because the secretive behavior betrays trust. When something is discovered it raises the question as to what else has occurred that is unknown. Marriage is a place for transparency—not secrecy.
Second, rarely are these friendships innocent. While they may indeed be started with innocent motives, trouble can erupt quickly. Friendship with the opposite sex, especially if it is with an old girl or boyfriend, can move from friendship to passion rapidly. A friendship that becomes passionate is then difficult to reverse or stop.
Third, email relationships easily take on a flirtatious or seductive quality. If a relationship becomes overly friendly, particularly when there are already unresolved issues in the marriage, you’re in for double trouble. “The grass looks greener on the other side of the fence.” This old friend, willing to listen to your problems, quickly becomes someone more than simply an old friend.
Fourth, we make “Seemingly Unimportant Decisions” (SUDs) that compromise our values. One small compromise often leads to another small compromise, and soon we’re in a very compromising situation. While many say “It just happened,” the truth of the matter is that the friendship moved from innocent to troubling in step by step fashion.
Finally, we should never do anything that causes alarm or fear in our mate. Even if we believe we’re on solid ground, if our mate feels threatened, we shouldn’t do it. Carrying on a friendship with an old flame is rarely met with approval by our mate.
Many couples who come to The Marriage Recovery Center are in trouble because of “another woman,” or man. A relationship begun in innocence can wreak havoc in a short period of time. A friendship that turns into an affair can cause irreparable harm. So, in a day of Instant Messaging, easy access to old schoolmates and social networking, be extremely careful that social networking doesn’t become a rationalization for getting emotional and perhaps sexual “hits” from the interest of an old friend. Stay away from trouble. The price you’ll pay for an indiscretion could be very costly.
What are your thoughts about social networking and the impact on marriage? Can we ever be “friends” with an old flame? Should we always respect our mate if they feel threatened by our friendships? Share your opinion or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find podcasts on affair-proofing your marriage as well.